My kid keeps asking if we can buy school merch, and sir you are 7 and that is a t-shirt
You Might Also Like
Me: We had ice cream in honor of you today
Dad (in heaven): Did you eat a half gallon in one sitting?
Me: No
Dad: Amateur
*4-yr old niece tells me about trip to Empire State Building
Her: It’s so tall, I almost touched the moon!
Me: Oh you are so full of shit!
Laptop’s battery: 1 hour 59 minutes
remainingLaptop after 20mins
Big Foot rental costumes are surprisingly realistic and terrifying at 4am around the bonfire at the party I wasn’t invited to.
Just found out my 6yo has mono and the doctor who diagnosed her asked if anyone in the house has similar symptoms, including excessive fatigue. Um, Sir, based on that alone, I’ve had mono since 2009.
Me: We’ve eaten nonstop for four straight days.
Wife: I know. It’s awful.
Me: So… we can either eat AGAIN— or we could go into the other room and burn a few calories…
Wife: I’ll preheat the oven.
My 11 yo noticed my receding hairline and thought it was hilarious. Until I explained how heredity works.
If you keep laughing then you’ll always have the last laugh.
me: *nauseated from eating too much*
also me: did you say cake?
[holding a séance]
“Dear spirit world, we respectfully ask that you honor us with your presence this evening; which cryptocurrency should we invest in?”
im awake if anyone wants to go on a cute forest hike and feed me to a bear
i trust babies a lot because i can throw them pretty far
“Goodnight, don’t look at your phone too long”
“I won’t”2am on Wikipedia: “So *that’s* how they make bowling balls…”
Me: You shifted your bar to the rooftop from the basement?
Him:
Him: Yes, I raised the bar.
Good things about drinking on the plane:
1. You don’t have to drive.
2. No matter how much you drink, they can’t throw you out.
Seriously though: Facebook is a wasteland, Twitter in turmoil, Instagram has collapsed trying to be TikTok, and TikTok isn’t a social network. If you wanted to start a social network, this would be the best time in 10 years to try that.
How is it that a parking spot gets paid more per hour than I do
After having a backup camera, it’s really hard to not have one. Driving my daughter’s car and I just assume that I probably backed over a short person.
I keep a pocket DVD player, loaded with The Neverending Story, paused on the scene where Artax drowns in the swamp of sadness. In case I overhear someone say “that’s the saddest thing ever!” and need to show them why they’re wrong
Cookie Monster first year: Cookie Rookie
Cookie Monster skip school: Cookie Hookie
Cookie Monster be sad: Cookie Sookie
Cookie Monster has a poo: Cookie Dookie
Cookie Monster does a sex: Cookie Nookie
Me: I feel like I look cute today.
Target self-checkout video: EIGHTY-SEVEN YEAR OLD WITCH.
A polite way to signal to your guests that it’s time to leave is to start the dishwasher, turn off all the lights, and go brush your teeth.
“old Victorian houses are charming”
I AM WEARING THREE SWEATSHIRTS AND TWO PAIRS OF PJ PANTS UNDER TWO BLANKETS AND I AM STILL SO FRIGGEN COLD RIGHT NOW OK SO CHARMING CAN ***K RIGHT OFF
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
BOSS: Welcome aboard! This is the time clock—
ME: All clocks are ‘time’ clocks, you simpleton.
Humidity is like heat if it suspected you were about to break up with it.
How to get ready for things :
1. Procrastinate for 5 hours
2. Panic 10 min before leaving
It’s so rude when someone else is using your toilet cubicle at work
lol
The opposite of Thanksgiving leftovers is Thanksgiving rightunders.
I’m so sorry