My wife asked me today if I would ever cheat on her. I replied, “Who else would I cheat on?”
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The British sentence that is never complete:
“Excuse me, can I just… thanks”
How long does it take for an avocado to brown after you cut it nevermind.
Teacher: You’re a grown adult, why can’t you help your child with their math homework?!
Me: Sorry, I’ll try 105% harder
Teacher: You know what, please don’t!
me: I feel like this’d be better if I knew my competitors. Like maybe you could do a grid and we could see who won each week?
therapist: again, you can’t “win” therapy
Just saw a grasshopper jump on cement.
THEY’RE EVOLVING.
My 13-year-old was quietly giggling as I opened my phone, and I realized he had changed the settings so the text is significantly bigger. Not sure if I’m more annoyed that he took a jab at me for being old, or that I can actually see a lot better now.
I represented criminals before I switched to divorce law. Not one accused murderer or drug dealer ever scared me more than the soccer mom who just found out her husband is cheating on her with the PTA Vice President.
Wife: I left the kids with you for a half hour & they dumped 3 pounds of sugar in the dryer trying to make cotton candy.
Me: Did it work?
My 16-year-old wants to know how old he needs to be before I remove the window-lock safety feature on the car. My 21-year-old says she’d love to know too.
Let’s tell the truth cell phone. I don’t have six missed calls. I have six ignored calls.
Pilot: There’s a loose…
Engineer: Tape.
P: And some rivets hav…
E: Tape.
P: Also signs of metal fatigu…
E: Tape.
P: And a panel is missi…
E: Tape.
P: Hydraulic failu…
E: Tape.
P: Th…
E: Tape.
P:
E: Tape.
My grandfathers were WWII heroes and I get anxiety if I don’t know the intricacies and protocols of the entire dining establishment I’m picking up take out from at least 24 hours in advance. I’m mapping it out on a chalkboard like a lil nervous Eisenhower.
Or you could just call them Antiques and not totally creep people out…
ME: Whatcha doin?
WIFE: Watchin Dune.
ME: I asked you first, Sharon.
A lot of parenting involves doing really nice things for your kids, and your kids making you regret that decision instantly.
I was thinking earlier that what I really need is someone who will ask me a few times a day if I’m hungry and if I am will just fix me food and make me eat it and then I realized I just invented moms
there are smart kids. Then there are my kids heating popsicles up in the microwave.
wife: STOP, you’re turning into your father
me: well, he shouldn’t be standing in the driveway like that
[at a wedding]
“So, ya come here often?”
At the motel:
Front Desk: And here’s your key card sir ..
Me: I’d like a wakeup call.
FD: You’re 20 lbs. overweight and your fly’s open.
Me: who ate all the cookies!?
Toddler: it was the ninja
Me: did you see the ninja?
6yo: well no it’s a ninja
When they wheel me out in a body bag I hope someone sticks a pair of googly eyes on the outside.
Went to get coffee for a coworker.
I effed up the order, but used it as a teaching opportunity to illustrate the dangers of outsourcing.
Catching up on last night’s crime shows, don’t spoil it….. does someone die? No, don’t tell me.
I don’t remember my password, so I’ll just start my hundredth new account.
-Everyone’s mom
White people dance like they have an invisible hula hoop around their waist.
💻🤡
Cats be like “I know a spot” and proceed to take a nap on the important papers you are working on to meet a deadline.
I am patiently waiting for your email
30% of Satan’s workday is responding to accidental summonings caused by predictive typing.