[being chased round my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP THIS IS SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME: [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
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*uses Mr. Clean magic eraser to wipe off your drawn on eyebrows*
A woman just told me I should leave twitter if I don’t have anything sensible to say.
She’s obviously a newbie.
How am I gonna to break it to my wife that I’m leaving her for Erica749273674863485
One time back before automatic signatures I wrote a rather stern email to a group at work about a poorly-run project. I hastily closed with “Regards, (my name)” or at least thought I did; that day I learned qwerty keyboards are my enemies thanks to the proximity of the G to the T
Computers are quite simple to explain. You see, they are just like the body. Let’s start with the processor- that’s the brain. The RAM, this I guess is also the brain. Now the hard drive, this too is the brain. The video card is more brain. Ok. I hope this has been helpful.
11: You take a lot of naps
Me: Well you weren’t using them
Ew, there is no way I’m touching that hand sanitizer dispenser.
Dad Dinosaur: Look son a shooting star make a wish!
Angsty Teen Dinosaur: I wish it would hit us and kill us all.
Me: ooo that one is yummy…and that one has kind eyes…oh wow I have always been a sucker for beards…
Cop: Ma’am this is a lineup. You are supposed to pick out the guy who stole your purse – not the ones you like.
Based on the week’s events , I’d say aluminum foil companies will be having a banner year.
[screaming from my front porch] You teens get off my lawn and register to vote!
Them: Ma’am, we received your Aisles On-line order and we’re just calling to question what seems to be a discrepancy in your order.
Me: I did indeed order 30 packages of bacon if that’s what you’re referring to.
As I basted the turkey, I swear I heard it say “just not in my hair”
The bar at our movie theater sells movie-themed drinks.
Imagine my dismay when I found out their Aquaman-themed drink wasn’t a Jason Mimosa.
*Buys map of world, pins it up on wall*
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Visits the middle of the Atlantic Ocean*
British people be like I’m Bri ish
Finished christmas shopping for my entire family.
*walks out of pharmacy*
You guys realize “business up front, party in the back” is only about mullets, right?
one time my grandma told me about a secret menu at burger king that involved a police escort to a second burger king
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
In todays addition of what will we find when we take off our bra…two legos AND a winning lotto ticket! Just kidding that would be so awesome but it was just two legos.
I hate when I drop my pen on the floor and it’s slightly out of reach so I leave it there forever.
“You the bomb” “No you the bomb”….- A compliment in America.An argument in the Middle East.
me: i recently lost my job
date: oh no what happened
me: the office relocated and i can’t find it
The funniest part about The Bachelor is the participants actually think being married is a prize.
how did this penguin get in my apartment??!?!
The pointless tidy up before a play date.
Ok hear me out ….A smoke detector that turns off when you scream “I’m only cooking “
marrying a French man really helped me understand the French revolution because once you’ve heard literally anyone from France talk about other French people you understand how ready this entire country is to just starting guillotining each other
Her: You say you’ve directed shorts before?
[Earlier]
Me: BE PANTS, BUT ALMOST