Me: is it ok if we have sex right now
Girlfriend: yes, also thanks for asking
Me: yeah consent is important, don’t u agree
Mom, also at the dinner table: absolutely, you’re such a gentleman
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Ever take a look at @thefunnytweeter? I’m honored that they have some of my tweets on a page.
Please enter new password
Me: Candy123
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J:$aBhh?/@‘c,2.”1f3&,0LP?!477F.91$uMe: Candy123!
tarot card reader: so that’s 3 death cards
me: but that means change or rebirth, right?
tarot card reader: *pulling out another death card* no
What fresh Hell is this?!?
me: brush your teeth
my kids: how fricking dare you want me to continue to have teeth
no refunds
My college career succinctly summed up in a meme.
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
I sure have purchased an inordinate amount of ringtones, for someone who keeps their phone on Silent.
My favorite oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp.
2. Act natural.
3. Boneless ribs.
4. Civil war.
5. Freezer burn.
6. Adult male.
7. Happy marriage.
Monolith: look, when I booked this tour how could I have known 2020 would—
Monolith Travel Agent: I’m sorry, these are non-refundable tickets
“I’m a night owl”
all owls are night owls. you are a regular owl.
They should make a sequel to that movie Clueless with just me trying to find the clitoris.
If your Dad leaves, just act like you’re installing a new screen door. All the Dads of the neighborhood will gather round. Pick your new Dad
“Can you move it? Then it’s not broken. Go play.”
– Dad Medicine 101
He leans in, looks into my eyes, and lowers the lights. I go in for the kiss.
And now I’m being escorted out of the opticians.
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
Sorry I’m late but my goldfish needed a bath.
I just released a new fragrance, and the people on this elevator are not happy about it.
What’s the name of the phobia for a fear of opening your mailbox because there might be a wedding invitation inside?
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
My week is basically:
Monday
Monday #2
Monday #3
Monday #4
Friday
Saturday
Pre-Monday
7: so those people think belle is weird because she’s walking around?
me: i guess so
7: and because she likes books?
me: um…yeah
7: but at least she’s pretty right?
me: …let’s watch moana instead
[ asteroid approaching earth ]
me: *slapping baseball mitt*
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia
condom commercials should just be a live-feed of couples trying to enjoy a decent meal at a restaurant with their kids
My son just literally ran into a trash can, then got up and walked around it to put his empty snack wrapper in my hand, if you’re wondering what it’s like to be a mom.
My kid : mum lets buy something we can play together – skipping rope?
Me *buys snakes and ladders board game*
changed my bio on bumble to “I’m gonna murder ur whole family” and guys still responded
[1st date]
Her: I have a confession. [Sigh] Sometimes, I see dead people.
Me: [An idiot zombie, taking off my disguise] What a RELIEF.