Birthdays were invented by big wax corporations to sell more candles with numbers on them.
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Don’t leave me alone.
Alone: I have a boyfriend.
Yes. You rt’d me 14 times in a row. Thanks.
You are first in line for my liver when the time comes.
I’m sad… I’m gonna eat some feelings.
*6 hours later*
S.W.A.T. Leader: Sir, she’s eaten the feelings of the entire team! She… *static*
The crack of dawn is probably just as good as the crack you get at midnight.
Her: Hey, look at my selfie! I went to have my hair & makeup done today.
Me: So, they were closed?
Her:
I don’t have a swear jar anymore, I have a swear barrel
Kinda cool how Earth is the largest planet in the whole world.
when the doctor starts putting on latex gloves at your next physical, a fun thing to do is to whip out your own pair & put them on too
Dear people who write “That’s it. That’s the tweet” at the end, we know it’s a tweet. It’s Twitter. Can’t be a tax return.
[Mom group]
New mom: My six-month-old is teething.
My mom: My 30-year-old won’t move out.
[first day as undercover cop]
me: [in full uniform] lol always takes a while to get used to new routines
mobster:
Do you need a glass of water?
No???
You sure? You seem a little salty…
Comic Sans walks into a bar. Barman says “sorry we don’t serve your type in here”
My wife tried on my cargo shorts and now they have fake pockets.
Just got every hair on my body waxed off except eyebrows and head. I look like a naked mole rat.
Men, come & get me if you’re into rodents.
“What would be your main strength?”
Well, I can communicate with animals…
“Wow, impressive. Any weaknesses?”
They can’t understand me.
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid: You didn’t sew the hole in my bunny
Me..
Kid..
Me: It’s 3:07am
Kid: So are you gonna sew it now?
There’s always that one guy
I have written yet another poem about laundry
Me: preparing dinner
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: *sorry, I forgot to include the asterisk*
Her: Hello?
*takes picture of son putting ornament on the tree*
Okay, now give that back to mommy and don’t touch another one, okay?
*rushes in*
“Sorry I didn’t see the email”
*slow smile*
*twirls hair*[Teaching office new girl how to be late for meetings]
They say your home is your castle.
But the second you build a dungeon in the basement someone inevitably calls the cops
F*** you and the horse you rode in on!
Horse: Look man, I was just giving this guy a ride.
Someone rang my doorbell today and I’ve never Stopped, Dropped, and Rolled under my couch faster.
I love how one day my body just decided “You know what you really need is some ear hair.”
Not enough things are decided by potato sack races anymore.
Mom [holding newborn baby]: Let’s name the baby after my grandfather
Dad: What would be the point of naming him after your grandfather already did
scoring in hockey: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in baseball: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in basketball: 2, 4, 6, 8, 10
scoring in tennis: love, 15, 30, 40, turkey sandwich, spider, 57, keanu reeves
no one is as indignant as a person who was correctly accused of sleeping