It’s 100% legal to give cops the finger. But remember, it’s also apparently 100% legal for them to shoot and kill you.
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Every time I get the urge to clean, I watch Hoarders and I decide my house isn’t that dirty after all.
I tried to pause the baby monitor when my baby woke up early from a nap instead of the Netflix show I was watching. It didn’t work.
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
what’s the proper waiting period after your spouse is kidnapped until you can resume watching your Netflix shows without it being a thing
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
Only short people can save us
My kid when he’s in trouble will be like wow you make the best water it’s so wet like I don’t know what he’s doing
wife: look our baby can stand up
baby: what’s the deal with airplane food
I apply an inordinate amount of baby oil for someone who is not a bodybuilder.
I got asked for nudes once and I was like, “No, I’m married.” And he was like, “Yeah, I know. I’m your husband.”
Another day, another round of men asking, “Why are women attracted to this mildly unconventional looking dude?” Honey, every woman you know has a crush on the cartoon fox version of Robin Hood, and this is what baffles you?
Reasons I’m like Donald Duck:
1- Mainly white
2- Kinda fat
3- Rarely wears pants
4- Highly irritable
5- Hard to understand
6- Prisoner of the Disney Corporation
7- Genuinely confused if Goofy is a dog or what the hell
Since he knows me best, I’m adding my bartender as a LinkedIn reference.
Them: Pleasure to meet you.
Me: Give it time.
Mom asked about a stock she’s owned for 20yrs called Amazon & I’ve mostly been telling her I love her & reminding her my brother never calls
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he always narrates real life-
ME: she complained
WIFE: see!
ME: she exclaimed
WIFE:
ME: she was speechless
Me as hostess: tonight we’re having deconstructed tater tots, deconstructed subs, and deconstructed strawberry pie
*takes guests to the grocery store*
I’m definitely getting on top of the laundry. It’s a great place to nap.
Writers of crime show blurbs are lazy. “She was missing and then her case took a shocking turn.”
It’s not shocking. I’m watching a show with murder in the title. I’d be shocked if she grew a third arm and joined the circus, but I’m fairly confident I know what’s up.
Wife: You know Frosted Flakes aren’t healthy, right? You should be eating better at your age.
Me: The tiger says they’re forty fived with vitamins and minerals
can’t a woman breastfeed their 6yo without a celestial monk creeping on them?
HOW TO DIAGNOSE ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION:
1) It’s not very hard
SIGN: Do not reach hands into enclosure.
ME: *slowly starts sliding big toe towards panda*
Me: got my food and now I’ll just grab a napkin.
Napkin Dispenser: ok, 38 napkins to you my dude.
Me: no just-just one.
Napkin Dispenser: right, no napkins for you bro.
Me: uh what?
Napkin Dispenser: a bunch of napkins in smallish pieces for my homie.
Guy: How many puppies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Do you know yet?
Me (in a sea of puppies): No, they haven’t done it. Bring more
Me: Hey, great costume, buddy! You look like a real…
Him: Ma’am, please step out of the vehicle.
Listen, I’m all about neighborliness, but if you ring my bell one more time at 7am just to inform me you received my newspaper
I. Will. Boil. Your. Rabbit.
Hired a chimney sweep and he refused to sing and dance on our roof. A disgrace to the profession.
[at the ballet]
“Their feet must be killing them. Why don’t they just hire taller ballerinas?”