“what does your tattoo mean” i had money and nobody stopped me
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Eating vegetables after a failed attempt at picking up your shirt with your toes.
*whispers* forlorn corn.
Lube but for my dry humor.
Me: Damn dog is under the covers again!
Wife: No she’s not. She’s next to the bed.
Me: Oh.
Wife: …
Me: Might be time to shave your legs.
ME: let me take you to a nice dinner
HER: ok
ME: somewhere they make the food right there in front of you
HER: oh like Benihana?
ME: (slipping subway coupons back in my pocket) I guess so
Imagine living in Canada and riding a moose everywhere you go
Co-worker small talk at work today: How was your weekend?
Me: Don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it
Not long enough ahhh haha ha
If you’re planning a family vacation to a destination that has beautiful ocean views and is kid friendly, make sure you don’t.
My neighbour called out “cheer up” today so I asked if he was moving house
[lights 2019 calendar on fire]
Now you can’t hurt anyone any more.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
3-year-old: Daddy, I love you *hugs me*
Me: I love y- Did you wipe your mouth on my shirt?
Most of fatherhood is just being a good napkin.
Erm I’m gonna say no
I’m just a girl,
sitting in her car,
wondering what the person I texted
“I’m in the cat” to,
is thinking right now.
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this.
No you dumb uncultured idiot, just because I’m an Indian doesn’t mean I use a flying carpet to get around. I use an elephant like everyone else.
Your birth certificate is your very first participation trophy.
First Guy To Compare Apples to Oranges: Apples and oranges are pretty similar.
Other Guy: You’re an idiot. That’s like comparing…well…I don’t even know what, but that’s just stupid. This is why nobody likes you, Carl.
Laughter is like a face orgasm. If he can give me that, he earned an audition for giving me an actual orgasm.
Adding “and shit” to the end of a sentence to make it sound cooler and shit.
Confidence is important.
Because wishy-washy just will not get you a prescription for the good drugs.
dave is coming to play poker
“dave from college or dave who walks like he’s in a video game?”
[dave takes 3 tries to walk through open door]
Is hitting yourself in the face when you open your car door considered “hot”? Say yes.
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want..
Me: I want you to take our kid to soccer practice tomorrow.
TV: Are you prepared for an earthquake?
*thinks about the 175 Hot Pockets in the freezer*
Me: Yes.
If you want to make someone happy, leave the room and come back in as an outdoor cedar soaking tub near a quiet cabin in Topanga.
My relationship with tea has always been strained.
People who forget to eat are amazing to me. I miss one meal and I’m burning bridges with immediate family members. I miss two that’s organ failure, total body and mind shutdown by the end of one calendar day
Dad Hack: get your teen’s attention instantly by pre-heating the oven.
For $49.95, I will name your dog, your cat, your turtle, or your baby. (The name will be “Dave”.)
Son: Did you know Alligators can live 100 years?
Me: Must be why you’ll see them later.
i’m a pretty resilient person unless something hard is happening