The trick to doing crimes is to wait until after 5pm when all the police have gone home for the day
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My bra as colander, catching stray food since age 15.
I’ve been a YouTube creator for almost an hour, yet somehow I haven’t been monetized yet?
Fight club except it’s me and an old nail polish bottle.
The first rule of Oedipus Club: mum’s the word.
We should have 12 presidents, one from every zodiac sign
Yesterday I found my first grader on her school computer designing a power point, and I just want to know why am I paying for camp this summer when I could just hire her for an unpaid internship?
Giraffe: That’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen!
[5 min later]
*vomits*
“This, too, shall pass,” I thought to myself after the dog swallowed a tube sock.
Him: I wonder if this dealership is open.
Me: Are you stupid? The parking lot is full.
Oh, you asked if I had a perfect BEACH body. Now I see why you were confused when I said “Yes, I’m round, ripe & covered in fuzz.”
I waited for so long at the doctor’s office that by the time they called me it was time for my follow-up appointment.
Startled by the sound of my own washing machine, yet convinced I’d be a badass in any apocalypse.
It’s embarrassing when you lose your kid in the grocery store, especially when they have the list and cart and the security guard finds you staring at beer.
going to the gym to throw donuts at all the skinny people
his palms are sweaty, knees weak, palms are sweaty. he forgot his lyrics already, palms are sweaty
I enjoy reading, long walks on the beach, and getting myself into situations where the only way out is to fake my own death.
I wouldn’t mind being put on hold so much if companies programmed in a jukebox so I could pick the music I listen to while I wait
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself round youHer(flirting): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you were in the restroom
Joe: Okay so we sneak in one night around February, steal his shoes
Obama: Joe
Joe: And then dump legos all over the floor
Few people realize that before they were domesticated, the wild vacuum cleaner was the only natural predator of wolves…
Hence, dogs instinctive reaction to them today.
Me: *juggles stapler, tape dispenser and hand sanitizer*
Interviewer: I meant are you good at multitasking. Please return those items to my desk.
I’m moving today. To mess with the movers, I labeled one box “Thoughts.”
Safety inspector: I found two major issues with your Death Star. For one thing, there are no railings.
Grand Moff Tarkin: We believe railings would detract from the austerity of our bottomless chasms.
Safety inspector: That brings us to my second issue…
The nurse should wait until after they weigh you to ask if you’ve had any symptoms of depression in the past two weeks.
Me: *nervous giggle* Goodbyes are so awkward. Like do I go in for a kiss or what?
Drive-thru attendant: Please just take your food, sir.
Adult life blows…. Friends don’t even ask to see how fast you can run in your new shoes anymore.
[after sex]
Her: *lights up smoke*
Me: *unwraps toothpick*
If you run out of coffee while someone is telling you a long story, you should be able to reach out, grab the coffee that person is holding & start drinking it, too.
Act now and we will double your order of crap!
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