No Barbara I didn’t intend to “ruin” your day by using the last of the printer ink but I will admit that it was a pleasant byproduct
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My kids brought me breakfast in bed, then proceeded to eat MY breakfast. If that doesn’t sum up motherhood I don’t know what does.
Me: Yes, I’d like the Mexican massage.
Masseuse: The what?
Me: *hands him taco seasoning and sour cream*
Masseuse:
Me: Let’s go, chop chop.
Sometimes I spend so much time on Twitter in the bathroom that I actually pee twice.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting tiny pieces of styrofoam off my hands.
I have gotten outta bed 365 days a year for 37 years. That is 13,505 sit-ups.
And not ONE ab to show for it.
Buy living room furniture that matches your pet’s hair because, work smarter not harder.
Making French toast is a lot like making regular toast. The only difference is that you use your tongue.
goddammit a coworker followed me on twitter.
i’m not talking about you barbara you’re super cool.
Answer my phone? No thanks.
I’ve seen what happens to Liam Neeson.
[dinosaur heist movie]
*the expert triceratops safecracker spends 40 minutes unsuccessfully trying to put his ears up to the safe*
I’m meeting up with new friends today and we’re going on a picnic but they don’t want me to bring anything. My mom says you should never show empty handed tho so I’m thinking I’m gonna take a living chicken. Can you imagine? I’d be king of the village in some parts of the world.
I keep a baseball bat under my bed in case someone tries to break in and pitch a no hitter
[Call from cell company]
We can give you 15 gigs for $100
Me: Excellent!
*Puts the band back together
Photoshop is turning 25 years old this week. Actually, it’s 35 but just looks 25.
Science has proven birds are a branch of dinosaurs. Now every time I eat chicken, I think, “I bet this tastes just like a stegosaurus.”
his wife is probably gonna see that
It’s as if the guy in the next stall doesn’t realize this is a competition
husband just asked what I’ll do with my spare time when we finally finish all the renovations to our house and I said I’m gonna build a scale model of redwall abbey in the garden for the field mice and I think he thought I was joking
I walk into the store thinking man I look good today and then the self-checkout security camera had to go and point out that I actually look like Squidward
sliding into dms like
Day 2 of home schooling:
One is taking a maths test in bed, two is taking his psychology lesson in the toilet and I can’t find the third.
The same people who tell you to follow your dreams are the ones who are all ‘surprised’ when you show up to do a presentation buck naked. Do not trust these people. Stay woke and follow zero dreams.
Not everything is a competition and I bet I’m better at accepting that then you are!
i said i was a “bawler” not a “baller” – i meant that i cry a lot
How do girls look so cute in an oversize sweater? I look like a hot air balloon ready for takeoff.
You travel 3500 miles to the breathtaking 15th-century mountaintop Inca citadel, Machu Picchu. The gift shop is not great.
HER: because you’re so juvenile this relationship is over
ME: [through walkie talkie] this relationship is what, over
Politician: I love democracy!
Me: I’m voting for The other candidate.
Politician: not like that
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck knew his existence was futile & all his loved ones were going to die one day?
Life Coach: there are 2 wolves inside of you. The one that-
Me: are they ghosts? Spirit wolves? Do I have wolf powers or-
Life Coach: *slowly returning business card to wallet*