Coworker: will I be seeing you at the office ugly sweater party?
Me: no, I’m not ugly
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What if the Government invented cheese to distract us from reality?
*gets arrested*
Me: I’m a mature adult woman who can handle anything
Also me: *has to pack my blankie wherever I go or I can’t sleep*
My 5yo just told me that she likes my singing best when she can’t hear it.
There used to be 9 planets, just like there used to be 9 members of Wu-Tang, but then ODB died so they had to kick Pluto out of the group.
[At a Christening]
Priest: I now pronounce you Chris and Chris. You may kiss the Chris.
Guests: *chanting* Chris Chris Chris.
this is the most cat thing ive ever seen
I just saw some idiot at the gym put a water bottle in the pringles holder on the treadmill
Just saw Stuart Little hit a kid and keep driving
If anyone is still on Facebook, please check on my parents.
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your phone.
Wife: the baby needs changing
Me: I don’t know, I kinda like her
Non violent offenders should be given community service & bangs
My wife is a beautiful, kind & giving woman who also checks my TL.
me to the dentist: can u make my teeth more how u say al dente
Me: Can you recommend books to me?
Librarian: Sure, they’re great
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Wife: Let me do the talking
Cop: No, I’ll do the talking
Me: Why is your wife even with you
Cop: There you go, I said this would happen
Sorry about my outburst. I was under the influence of common sense
Me: death by loneliness? Is that even a thing?
Fortune teller, shrugs: look honestly I had never heard of it until you walked in
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys people get very upset
After I dropped my daughter off at college, my youngest son said “We’re finally empty nesters. Let’s start traveling”.
My “Game of Thrones” is just me running around the mall looking for a clean toilet.
An unboxing video but it’s the toys my kid buried under her bed and forgot she had…
Will no one rid me of this turbulent poodle?
Home Depot specializes in how can we confuse and overwhelm someone who just needs a lightbulb.
My kid started doing this annoying preteen whiny voice and now I can turn my head all the way around like the exorcist.
COMPUTER: Your password has expired.
ME: So it’s a passéword.
That split second of panic when you realize you said yes to your toddler but you were distracted and you don’t actually know what you said yes to
Every time my phone rings tomorrow I’m going to answer it with “911, what’s your emergency?”
Power went out in my office building & a maintenance guy said Transformers blew. Um yeah it was a bad movie buddy now what about the power??
My kid asked me to hold her candy, took one look at my excited face and decided she should hold onto it instead, which was definitely the right call.