There’s a knock at the door. I open it, but there’s no one there. Unsettled, I slow down a little and pull into the middle lane.
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Talk about bad timing #JokeoftheDay #Conan
My kid drew all over my kitchen counter with permanent marker
Classic case of counter terrorism
teachers: it’s the 100th day celebration
me: oh wow, alread-
teachers: your kid has to bring something in
me: oh ok, sure what shou-
teachers: 100 somethings
I’m never more unattractive than when a bee flies in my face
If you love someone, throw your earbuds at them. There’s a good chance they’ll be entangled in them and won’t be able to run.
if you text me “we need to talk” i’m gonna reply “yes we do” now we both stressed
Boss : Why Are You Late?
She : Heavy Traffic
Boss : Is that my fault?
She : Did I Blame You
*nervous sweating* I’m going to go to the bathroom, did you want anything?
(Me tryna flirt)
Remember back when you thought the movie “Idiocracy” was a satirical comedy instead of a documentary?
Life hack:
When a police officer is asking you to touch your index finger to your nose, pretend your nose is a snooze button at 5AM.
date: are u a tender lover?
me: more of a dino nugget guy
A good prank is to rent a Mercedes, stick a huge bow on it, and park it in front of your neighbor’s house
I had to ban two of my kids from being in the same room together.
Somehow, they still caused problems, so I sent them to different floors of the house.
Then I made one go outside and one stay inside.
For the next step, I’ll have to banish them both to different states.
[Army Shooting Range]
Officer: Are you locked & loaded?
Soldiers: YES SIR!
Officer: You may fire at will!
Soldier Named Will: WTF?
I say: ‘Pls watch that pothole’.
My son hears: ‘Pls drive through that pothole with the force of a thousand jackhammers’.
[Job Interview]
“It says in your CV that you are quick at mathematics. What is 17 X 19?”
“36”
“That’s not even close”
“But it was quick”
Easy come, Bismillah!
easy go, No, we
will you let will not let
me go? you go
Thank God all of Texas can un-pucker again while they sleep.
Wife: I love that we finish each other’s-
Me: Drinks?
W: What? No. I was gonna say sentences HEY WHERE’S MY
Me: Margarita?
ME: Take care of my cat while I’m away?
HITMAN: [screwing on silencer] No problem.
No thanks, body wraps. If I believed magic would make me thinner, I’d eat a wizard.
It’s not the holidays until I see two minivans with red noses lock antlers over a parking space at Target.
If Tetris has taught me anything it’s that errors pile up and accomplishments disappear.
[speed dating]
HER: So what do you-
ME: How fast can you order a pizza?
HER: I don’t-
ME: *hits buzzer* NEXT
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
The second half of your life begins when you stop wanting to get even and start wanting to get odd
How to find Kentucky on a map
{on first date}
Waitress: HELP! Is there a Doctor in the restaurant?
Date: Aren’t you going to help?
Me: Haha ok well maybe I’m not a Doctor
RIDDLER: riddle me this
TODDLER: *does Todd stuff*
GENIE: 3 wishes. But no extra wishes & no sex stuff
Me: why not?
GENIE: I make the rules
ME: I wish I made the rules
GENIE: …dammit