Changelings are a myth, you say? Then explain why my 5yo suddenly doesn’t like cheese anymore
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Roses are red, violets are blue, vodka costs less than a dinner for two.
Moms. The original autocorrect.
I mean, if Marie Antoinette didn’t want her head cut off, maybe there should’ve been actual cake.
~ Why I was kicked off the debate team
Can anyone explain what’s happening in front of my house none of these belong to me
[MIDNIGHT TRAIN STATION]
ME: one ticket, please
TICKET SALESMAN: sure, where to?
ME: *looks at camera* anywhere
TICKET SALESMAN: where tho
If you see someone crying, ask if it’s because of their haircut.
If I was invited to a gender reveal party I’d bring deviled eggs and sammiches for the fire fighters.
4yo: Mom found this house and no one was home there, so we just went in.
Him: You… just went in?
4yo: Yeah. Just looked around at their stuff.
(A museum. I took them to a museum.)
The most magical part of the holiday season is when my husband looks lovingly into my eyes and says, what did we get my mom for Christmas?
Kids movies really made me believe that the greatest threats on earth were dogcatchers and quicksand
50 Shades of Yellow. #SpongebobMovie #SuperBowl
Me: (plops myself next to 9 on his bed)
9: Wow. You’re heavy. You made a mini earthquake
Me: (pushes 9 off the bed)
9: What the heck was that?!
Me: Aftershock
Damn I went from ‘I miss the bird songs’ to ‘all right that’s a lot of chatter for 5 am’ pretty quick
pisses me off when I’m taking a longer than average drink at the drinking fountain and someone says “hey save some for the fishes” when just before i’d filled up a bucket at the drinking fountain and drove it to the nearest lake and dumped it in there
The CDC has increased the 3 second rule to 2 minutes.
She has a rye sense of humor & great buns.
I’m her hero, although I don’t have much dough.
I can’t wheat to see her!
I’m in loaf.
Every time I see a couple riding a tandem bike, I try to figure out which one of them is pissed about it.
Me: What does venison taste like?
Food Connoisseur: It’s similar to beef but more gamey.
[Later]
Me: *sees a cow playing Fortnite* V…venison?
i’m gonna write my will in cursive. if you want your inheritance, you’re gonna have to work for it
god grant me the serenity to close tabs i know i won’t read, the courage to keep ones open that i will, & the wisdom to know the difference
Took the kids to the beach and I now I need to know if I drive the sand back myself or if someone will come pick it up from me
Just warning the studios that if we don’t start making shows, they’re not gonna have anything to reboot in 8-12 years.
Wow, I wish people were into politics as much as they’re into sports.
*meets someone who’s really into politics*
Wow, I wish I was dead.
Hand feeding garbage to my roomba when its battery is low
I’m told I look very good for a man twice my age.
Tired of not knowing if I should swipe my credit card, insert the chip or punch myself in the face.
I never knew the word “mom” could even have 7 syllables until I had kids.
Send me your home address and I’ll mail you a personal drawing of your favorite animal as long as its a buffalo.
Still thinking about the woman on the train I once saw wearing a lanyard that said “Sarah Hunter” and wondering how many Sarahs have died at her hands.