*gets arrested
*mug shot posted
*waits for modeling contract
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2021 is the perfect year to test out my new response to any awkward family Thanksgiving topics: “I don’t wanna talk about ______, I wanna talk about Taylor Swift..”
friend: why do u look sad
me: I have wrongdog
friend: what’s wrongdog
me: *big breath in*
Me at 15: I can’t wait to make my own money and buy whatever I want
Me now: *rinses off a sliced cheese that fell on the floor*
My son works part time at McDonald’s and did a shift today. I asked him, as it’s Easter, if they were serving Hoppy Meals and he told me that he hopes he’s adopted.
Gazing at nature’s majesty, I am one with the woods. This is where I belong, I muse as I’m drilled with a paintball and promptly eliminated
I thought it would be good for the environment if I had less grass to waste water on so I put a pool in.
[first day as a barista]
ME: large coffee ready for a *squints to read* nice hole
NICHOLE: oh come on
(wine tasting)
WOW THIS ONE TASTES LIKE WINE TOO. I’M LIKE 5 FOR 5 NOW. KEEP ‘EM COMIN’!
They’re not wrong
Today is the first New Moon after Jan 21sr. Happy New Year to Chinese people and all who choose to be Chinese for a day.
I finally got eight hours sleep. Took me four days but whatever.
Did you know that it takes 0 facial muscles to give you the finger
[fancy restaurant]
Me: do you have orange cat food?
Wife [whispers to waiter]: he means lasagna
I swear i’m surrounded by idiots… no one even understood me when i said “to all intense and porpoises.”
Welcome to Premature Ejaculation Club
A lot of you came early,
I’m not surprised
I can remember a time when we didn’t allow crazy people to be in charge of running things.
I like big DUCKS & I cannot lie
All you other mallards can’t deny
That a big beaked freak with a-
Park Ranger: Sir, you’re scaring the kids
“MEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH THE GREEKS & MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
I’m like a fuckin’ origami expert when I’m down to the last sheet of toilet paper.
Nextdoor doesn’t always deliver, but boy oh boy when it does…
Responding to someone putting on their jacket, picking up their bag, turning towards the door and walking away by asking “you off?”
I don’t need a boyfriend, I need someone to roll me up in a carpet and throw me off a cliff.
The Airbnb reviews never tell you how comfortable the toilets are for falling asleep on
A guy on Tinder just asked if I wanted to go help him catch a raccoon so I guess I’m engaged now.
No bullshit, if any color is unemployed, its maroon
I wonder if Disney Princesses take BuzzFeed quizzes to find out which bored stay-at-home mom they are.
Girls get so turned on when you take charge. Grab her hair and tell her she needs a shampoo with no harsh sulfates and a new lip stain.
Girl: *blowing kisses to boyfriend across the room*
Me: *runs in and swats kisses out of the air*
“have you seen the gas prices?” no man i drive with my eyes closed because it’s scary
*enters username*
“USERNAME NOT RECOGNISED”
*creates new account*
*enters username*
“USERNAME ALREADY IN USE”
*sets fire to self*