It’s not a real relationship, until you’ve apologized to a locked bathroom door.
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Have kids so they can tell you at 5am that they must dress as a historical figure today, like your wardrobe is full of apparel from the 1800’s.
Tonight I realized when I’m on video calls I bite my bottom lip like I’m trying to awkwardly seduce everyone on the call. Why am I like this
Oh really, Carol? It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown? How many muscles does it take you to mind your own business
The Honey Badger is my favourite animal that sounds like a really scary breakfast cereal.
I love that sexy thing you do, what’s it called again? Oh yeah, me.
No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.
If the headline just read “Kanye West Acts Like a Shithead,” news sites could reuse it over and over again.
BARTENDER: *wiping a glass* what’ll it be
ME: I’ll have a dirty martini
BARTENDER: *stops wiping glass*
*gets arrested
*mug shot posted
*waits for modeling contract
GUY (hanging off the side of a cliff): I can’t hold on much longer!
ME (holding two ice cream cones): i really wish i could be more help
NOO THERES A MOSQUITO IN MY ROOM AND IT WANTS ME. BAD
Top Five Accountant Taboos:
5. Unreconciled difference
4. Doesn’t foot & crossfoot
3. No journal entry support
2. Cooking the books
1. Sex
My husband’s solution to us running out of clean cups was to buy more cups. Because not having enough cups was the problem.
I’m not average. I’m mean.
Seriously, soup?
If I wanted to drink my lunch I would go to a bar.
I once accidentally broke up with a girl on a broken-down train, when I said “I don’t think this is going anywhere.”
Teacher: ok class bring your dioramas to the front of the class
Me: [holding a bowl of diahorrea] oh no…
“Your resume has MPGMA listed under hobbies. What exactly is that?”
Making people guess the meaning of acronyms.
My friend was complaining that when her husband gets dressed, he does sock, shoe, sock, shoe. What a weirdo! Everyone knows it’s sock, sock, shoe, shoe, pants.
I brag that having kids gets you out of stuff, but my colleague just used her gerbil’s illness to skip a corporate retreat. So basically this family could have been a gerbil.
*car isn’t exactly where I thought I parked it*
Someone stole my car.
Hey baby, do you like tan lines? Because I fell asleep with a badminton racquet on my face again and
I put on my Godzilla costume, then go to the miniature golf course to beat up the windmill.
ME: you know what they say, curiosity killed the cat
CAT: that’s awful why would they say that?
ME: really?
CAT: *dies*
Why is it so dry under the lawn chairs? Cause the lawn canopy
If coronavirus isn’t about beer then why do they keep talking about cases of it
I forgot you cant make depression jokes outside of twitter lmao my coworker was like “you ready for this year to be over?” I was like “im ready for this life to be over” he was like bro what
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
Alright white people, had to Google “totes” to find out what the hell it meant. I know one of you came up with it. Cut that shit out.
Me:
My dad:
Me:
My dad: when was the last time u checked ur oil