Just finished filming my new movie, “Death on the Sidewalk.” I shot it with my car’s back-up camera.
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Yes, my teeth are dazzling, but, please, treat me no differently than you would the next demigod.
What idiot called it ‘Asparagus grown in Northern France’ and not ‘Brittany Spears’.
I hate saying “I told you so” so I’m just going to spray-paint it on your car.
Lost my chapstick today, but a few hours later I found one on the floor of a men’s room at an interstate rest-area. Looks like my luck is finally turning around.
Me: a pessimist sees the glass half empty; an optimist see the glass half full.
Wife: [returning from the restroom] why is half my mimosa gone?
Me: because you’re a pessimist.
ah, mercury’s going retrograde, that explains why i accidentally squandered my entire youth
Told my boss at work I had three companies looking at me and asked for a raise, so of course out of curiosity she asked me which three companies.
Managing to keep a straight face I told her Gas, Water, and Electric.
I found a voodoo doll covered with pins on my doorstep. Too bad their plan backfired. They used an acupuncture technique and I’m feeling better than ever.
who started finding eggs and was like “it was probably a rabbit”
If we’re ever drunk together and I say “trust me, this will be fun”, run faster than me or have bail money ready.
*dies*
*gets to heaven*
*sees furries everywhere*
Me: What the…
Jeebus: Hell hath no furry, man
*laughs, puts on giraffe costume*
My wife inexplicably waited to the last minute to tell me that my kids have dance class today.
So annoying when she does this every week.
My boyfriend is taking me to a Spanish restaurant for dinner, I’m kind of scared, I don’t speak Spanish, how will I know not to order dog
It’s amazing that every single kid on the planet is cunning enough to know that “I’m thirsty” has the best odds of delaying sleep. Think about it–between dinner & bath water they’ve had PLENTY to drink. Over time they’ve played every card & independently found the ace of spades.
Didn’t find out until I got to work that these exposed-shoulder tops are intended for women.
I want a name that can only be written using straight lines, so I’ll be changing my name to Wilx Kivz.
Everyone else at the table can order a margarita at 10a.m., but I ask for a cup of queso with a straw, and suddenly I’m the one with the problem.
Listen, all I’m saying is that fish either don’t bathe at all or they constantly bathe. It can’t be both.
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
a broth-er is the best relative to help you make soup
Never trust a man wearing more than 0 necklaces
Hannibal Lecter didn’t have to be a serial killer, he was scary enough as a foodie.
I’m having a garage sale & hope people I’ve borrowed things from don’t come.
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
I was a better person when I bought this lettuce.
Interviewer: *looking at my resume* says here you’re an “aspiring side piece”?
Me: that’s my 5 year plan, within 10 years I hope to be murdered in a jealous rage. You know, before the air quality gets too too bad…
I don’t get why you have to call my wife *librarian ignores me while on phone* “your husband is here trying to check out a book about ramps”
Gen Z have no idea how easily accessible music is. I once had to jump off a bridge and narrowly avoid a moving truck to hear Bon Jovi play their latest song Its My Life
Sorry the edible underwear weren’t edible anymore by the time you tried to eat them. It was a long drive to your apartment.
Spending a lazy afternoon methodically eating the plastic flowers from the vase in the hotel lobby
Friend: your parents must have had you young
Me: I mean, I couldn’t have been any younger