I like my coffee like I like my men
Sliding off the roof of my car as I drive away
You Might Also Like
1996: Why do they call the internet “the web”
20 years later, trapped & unable to leave: Oh
Dear people who combine Christmas and birthday gifts,
WE HATE YOU!
Sincerely,
Everyone born in December.
gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste
shadowfax: *holds up a dictionary with its front hooves* I can’t read
“I DO NOT DRINK TOO MUCH!!” I scream angrily at the neighbors garden gnome
Me: I’m pretty sure I just died, but this place looks exactly like my office
Satan: yeah, welcome to hell
Me: well, I guess it could be worse
Satan: I also signed you up to be on the party planning committee
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
*knock on the door
Satan: Yes?
Santa (pissed): STILL getting your mail!
i bring a card table with me where I go for thanksgiving in case the host’s furniture is too heavy to flip
Commissioner: we’ll need to stay in touch
Batman: ok
Commissioner: this stealth communication device will-
Batman: LETS USE A GIANT SKY LAMP
Roses are red
Daisies are white
I’m in a grumpy mood
My underwear is too tight
me: *installs app that vibrates phone whenever I’m owned online*
wife: do you hear bees
Apparently not checking the mail is not a valid excuse for not paying your bills. The more you know.
I’ll call bowling a sport when there’s a goalie.
At Walmart with a box of condoms and a Barbie play set, now I need to pick the right cashier to ensure maximum awkwardness for us both.
ME TO MY CAT: Now show them the word I taught you that means you have an ouchie.
MY CAT: me-ow
FRIENDS: ……you’re an idiot.
I always keep a shotgun under my bed in case a horse sneaks in and breaks his leg
How to fix something:
-Say “let’s have a look”
-Describe the brokenness
-Break it a bit more
-Say “nah it’s broken”
-Place hands on hips
Good cop: you want coffee?
Bad cop: where did you hide the money?
Cop that freelances for BuzzFeed: answer these questions to find out what type of criminal you are
*watches someone skateboard off a roof
…hold my beer
Kids should come with a “skip intro” button for their stories
My 1yo son doesn’t even know how to use pockets, and yet his clothes have millions of them while I’m over here with my phone in my hand and my car keys in my mouth
* Aggressively aggresses your aggressions into aggressivity. *
Beer enthusiasts should have an OnlyCans.
Are people with googly eyes better at searching for stuff?
Cops hauled me away for drawing faces on potatoes and makin’ em kiss.
“It’s just too sexy” one cop whispered to me on our way to the jail
You can tell how much it’s going to cost you by the way your teenager sounds:
Mum! = £2 for an ice cream
Muuuum 🙂 = £50 for pointless trainers
Hello mummy, you look pretty today = remortgage the house
The very first thing my 3yo daughter said to me this morning was “I know how to start a fire!” so nothing you guys say today can scare me.
I hugged my husband when he got home from work and he seemed nervous. I knew something was off. The scent on his shirt smelled familiar then it hit me he cheated on me with my favorite restaurant. He smelled like shame and garlic bread.
Today I was asked why we should bother paying interns if they’re “getting experience for their résumé.”
Here’s what we have say about that:
Hey electric toothbrush makers-
I don’t think they’re tall enough. One fell over on the counter and only took out four more toothbrushes, two deodorants, a hand soap dispenser, and a scented lotion.