Three men are on a boat
They have four cigarettes but nothing to light them with.
So?
So they throw one cigarette overboard and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
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What number SPF blocks people?
Unicorn: Come on man, do it just one more time.
Dragon: This is the last time.
Unicorn: Hell yeah!
Dragon: [toasts unicorns marshmallow]
[family WhatsApp group]
me: I’ll visit this weekend
dad: OK
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…mom: bring a sweater, it’s cold
I’m just a MAN standing in front of a DOOR because I thought it was AUTOMATIC
I’m not sure how much longer I can live in the city. The seagulls, the flies, the rats. They’re all so expensive here.
[My Funeral]
“He died doing what he loved… saying ‘Cars have to stop for pedestrians,’ as he stepped bravely into the crosswalk.”
You know dystopia has arrived when Victoria’s Secret starts selling brass braziers.
[Trying to impress a girl on a date]
Me: “Not to brag but I’m getting Windows 10 for free.”
6: you’ll always be my mom right?
me: definitely, you’ll always be my baby!
6: what if you’re dead
me: wtf
[Forest]
GF: Oh god it’s a bear!Me: *Stuffs socks down front of pants*
GF: What are you doing?
Me: Making myself look big
Bear: Well hi
Optimism? Sure, it’s worth a try. I don’t see how acting like an eye doctor is gonna help, but whatever.
Joe Biden is in the White House kitchen right now licking every piece of silverware and putting them back in the drawer
Oh, you’re 19 and have abs? Yeah you’re supposed too. You haven’t been alive long enough to get fat.
you: let’s get this bread
j.d. salinger, an intellectual: let’s catch this rye
HR called me in today and told me I have a bad attitude. So they’re transferring me over to IT and giving me a raise.
*walks into starbucks*
Me: HEY ANY ASPIRING AUTHORS HERE?? SOMEONE FROM PENGUIN PUBLISHING OUTSIDE!!!
*has choice of any table*
This Slow Jaywalker Thinks The Driver Of The Oncoming Car Values Human Life More Than Proving A Point, What Happens Next Will Surprise Him!
Butterflies? I want a man who gives me Mothra
If you’re not suppose to eat late at night, then why is there a light in the refrigerator?!
It’s only Cloud Computing if it originates in the Saint-Cloud region of France.
Otherwise, it’s just sparkling servers-in-a-warehouse.
On a scale of 1 to ‘Maxi pad with wings’
How self-absorbed are you?
To celebrate Halloween I made my scary movie hating husband watch, “Paranormal Activity” with me, waited till he fell asleep and ran through the house with powder in my socks leaving strange otherworldly footprints for him to find. The exorcism is being scheduled as we speak.
Social distancing in Australia:
Stop asking me for advice if you’re gonna get upset when I suggest commit a crime
[first day as a masseuse]
Me: [closing book] “…& they all lived happily ever after”
Customer: “That’s not what I meant by ‘happy ending'”
At 57, when I say I want to last longer in bed, I mean sleep more.
[2050]
“Grandpa, how did President Trump ever get elected?”Well, we were a bit distracted. That was the year adult coloring books came out
[Awards ceremony]
“And winner of ‘The Most Unusual Name of the Year’ goes to… drum roll please…”Drumroll Please: “Thanks so much!”
If they could bottle how good it feels to take off your bra, that would sell for more than any expensive wine.
New Facebook technology can identify faces with 97.25% accuracy, and then ask you if you want to tag that statue in the background.