My daughter wants to be really scary this Halloween so instead of a costume she is going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
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them: I like that filter on you
me: [doesn’t have snap but enjoys mounting butterflies directly to my head] th… thanks
I used to be married, but I’m better now
I lost my voice so basically I’m every mans dream girl right now.
And in that moment, she decided to stand up for herself
Never again would she do what Simon said
ME: Take care of my cat while I’m away?
HITMAN: [screwing on silencer] No problem.
It may be an unpopular opinion, so block me if you must, but not all Girl Scout cookies are good. Their “Toast-yay!” should be called “Toast-boo!”
I ducked into a crowd of guys bro hugging as they left the bar, they didn’t notice the stranger in their midst and I’m feeling so loved rn.
Doggy day care is like a regular day care except you have to enter from the rear.
“Do you know how fast you were going?”
75 in a 55. I’m sorry officer.
“Get out of the car.”
*Cop cuddles driver*
“Stop doing this. I worry.”
Would a rose by any other name still let Jack die?
It’s romantic to walk someone home, but turns out they like it even better if they actually know you.
No need to rev your engine, I’m not impressed by your car unless it’s a food truck
4yo-“Can I have this granola bar?”
Me-“You don’t like granola bars.”
4yo-“I DO!”
Me-“You have never liked these. I promise you don’t.”
4yo- “I YIKE THEM! I want it!”
“…fine. Here ya go.”“Mom. I don’t yike this granola bar.”
I just drank an entire bottle of wine and feel the urge to help someone with math homework and declare that laundry piles are now furniture.
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
My son: Did you hear about the guy who got injured playing peek-a-boo?
Me: No
Son: he’s in the ICU
Autocorrect just changed ‘so thirsty’ to ‘sloth irate’ and I’m slowly getting angry about it.
Got a new stove today and then ordered a pizza because I don’t want to ruin it by getting it dirty or anything.
Donald Trump said he thinks we made the right decision to leave the EU. This confirms that we absolutely did not make the right decision.
Boss: I’m going to have to fire you. It’s the way you misread EVERY situation somehow.
Me: *holding maracas* Wait, THAT’S why you asked me in here?!
I don’t drive a flashy car, but the cop behind me does.
‘I’ve never done this on a first date before’ I say as I start vacuuming his place
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me: I once asked a man why he was in a wheelchair. Now here I am.
7-year-old: I won breakfast!
Me: You can’t win breakfast. You just eat it.
7: Said the loser.
Last party I went to before COVID met a guy who worked in finance who told me he was an “experiences manager” and got defensive when I asked him what experiences he manages.
Dexter is my favorite show about how hard is it not to stab dumb idiots.
When you’re shopping with your mom and accidently lose track of her
Wife: You’re not using the instructions to build the bookcase?
Husband: Nope, I’m doing it entirely shelf-taught, haha
Wife: *eyes fixate on hammer*
Me: No guts, no glory.
Skeleton: Wow, I’m like right here.
My 5yo was talking incessantly in the car and my husband turned the music way up to drown her out and I fell in love all over again.