#InternationalWomensDay is just a holiday hallmark made up to sell more women
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My mother-in-law showed up 3 hours early for Thanksgiving.
-my suicide note
[first date at a karaoke bar]
Him: you said you had the voice of a siren
Me: I do! [grabbing the mic] Which would you prefer, ambulance or police?
Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah…..
“AUGHHGGUAUGGHGHGHGHGGGGH!!!!!!!!” – killer wail
FUN FACT: baby penguins fit perfectly into a T-shirt cannon.
an hour on the treadmill is not so bad if you don’t turn it on.
My son’s default mode is “protester being dragged out of a political rally.”
DORA: “Swiper, no swiping!”
SWIPER: “oh, man”
*Wealthier fox shows up, swipes everything*
DORA: “That’s OK, it’ll trickle down”
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
Nothing warms the heart like seeing the tail lights of your houseguests.
playing my favorite songs that no ones enjoying but me
Why is it called “gym rat”? Why can’t I be a “gym koala” or a “gym panda”?
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
Why did Norway put barcodes on their military boats?
So they could…..Scan da Navy in!
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: ugh yeah the spacing wouldn’t format properly
Interviewer: OMG I hate that
My stepmother asking me exactly how many chicken nuggets to make for my kids like lady it could be 15 or 0 do I look like some kind of psychic
I used to care what my neighbours think but then I met them
Finally found a job ad that didn’t mention ‘attention to detail’ or ‘team player’. Finally!
If goldfish crackers actually tasted like goldfish–
wait, I just realized I’ve never tasted a goldfish. What if the crackers are accurate?
I long for the days when waking up with a “stiff one” wasn’t referring to my lower back.
Of course I stay hydrated.
Carbohydrated
I gotta take better care of myself. Today at the park a guy asked me if I would pretend to be his son from the future to scare him into eating right.
Introducing new iPhone 5 features:
– Patented Ultrablack color technology.
– Siri is less of a cunt.
– Contains 1 mg of Steve Jobs’ ashes.
huge if true: the moon
*getting kicked out of bookclub*
me: please, all i need to know is how little the women are
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name
Don’t make me mad or I will replace all your gummy candies with fiber gummies.
Cop: My informant told me where the killer is
Chief: Nice. Did he give you a name?
Cop: No chief *frowns* my parents did that