old people with oxygen tanks are sneaking away to live in an underwater utopia
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Day 5 of self quarantine:
My all hamster version of The Sound of Music has hit a snag because Maria ate three of the Von Trapp children
The worst thing about the boom in restaurant deliveries is the normalizing of eating lukewarm food.
y’all, I lost my passport two years ago and have been using the same PDF scan as a substitute ever since.
this is where I found it today
When your teen is already bigger than you are…
Stop sending me this shit.
Distance doesn’t matter.
You can make someone miserable from anywhere.
5 minutes left in this NBA game. Gonna read War and Peace, walk the dog, and get a mani/pedi before the final buzzer.
*feels butterflies in his stomach while going on the first date*
– guess I shouldn’t have run through the garden with my mouth open.
Sure I get excited when he unzips his pants. I’m pretending it’s the sound of his body bag.
[fight scene – me and a murderer kick a gun across the room and grapple for it]
me: [reaching under couch] shit
murderer: let me try i have longer arms
me: you do not
murderer: do too. stand up
[we measure arm length]
me: wow
murderer: yeah i got like a 6’3” wingspan
me: *chopping onions*
wife: shouldn’t you use a knife?
me: i took karate lessons for a reason, linda
*a horse, dog and penguin walk into a bar
Bartender: Seriously, why are we even paying the bouncer?
5-year-old at recess: “My throat feels like sticks are stuck in it.”
Me: “Do you think you’re getting sick?”
5-year-old: “Yes. Also, I just ate some mulch.”
Me, taking my clothes off at a crematorium: So, where’s the sauna?
No thanks, social drama. Puberty sucked enough the first time around.
[first day as Niagara Falls tour guide]
And to the left you can see [frantically flips through your guide] water.
My boss just criticized me, saying that my writing is almost unintelligible and unbecoming a professional, but I don’t think it’s portmantotally malapropriate.
Single people at the grocery store are without a care in the world as if they don’t have to worry about bringing home the wrong yogurt
her: so we could have sex
me: 🙁
her: or we could do the complex fight choreography you came up with
me: 🙂
her: [sigh] i’ll get the katanas
Googled how to seduce a guy and Google replied – girl if you have to ask it ain’t gonna happen.
Another election year, another voting day writing in Bart Simpson on the ballot.
1900: Let’s filter coffee.
1950: We need to filter cigarettes.
1970: We should really filter water.
2015: I want to filter my face.
GUY: I heard a pianist keyed ur car. What are u gonna do?
[flash forward to me hitting the pianist’s piano with my car]
ME: car his keys.
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
My mom told me I needed to learn how to relax more so I dropped my kids at her house.
Grandkids are basically puppies for old people.
I cough whenever I answer the phone so people know not to invite me to anything.
Justify your alcoholism by having children.
Technically, a millennial is anyone who had to learn cursive but never had to use it.
reservations are so embarrassing like hi i’m here for my spaghetti appointment