“I love potatoes in my mouth!!”
Ok, yes kid, we all do but you gotta be way more chill about it
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Me: Come on eat that.
Miss 10: I don’t want it, it makes me want to throw up.
[Sees my face].
10: In a good way.
Dad, the Easter Bunny should know that I don’t like Rolos but he puts them in my basket every year.
Me: (eating a Rolo) Yeah, that’s weird.
Steve Buscemi is the only reported case of the saying “If you keep making that face, it’s going to get stuck that way” being true.
Who are you to tell me what to do? You’re not my bank account.
At school, Scooby-Doo excelled at the three Rs – biology, Spanish and geography.
My 8 year-old desperately wants to be a teacher when she grows up and loves pretending she’s a teacher around the house. Today I found her eating a cupcake in the kitchen and when I asked her who said that was OK she replied, “it’s teacher appreciation day”
A headline said the economy is showing signs of unexpected vigor so i’ll have what the economy is having please.
I made a grown man cry today in court.
But yet I can’t get my kids to clean their damn rooms.
*invents time machine*
*goes to 1930 germany*
*points guns at young hitler*
What gives u the right to ruin a mustache style for everyone?
Me: Ugh, I wish I still had a tablet. My phone screen is too small to read books on.
Also me: Guess I’ll read Twitter on my phone for six hours instead…
A year ago I moved the silverware to a more convenient location in the kitchen, and every day for the last year I’ve been conveniently opening the wrong drawer.
The moon landing was faked. They actually went to Mars, and I can prove it.
Why spend money on a paper shredder?
Do like I do and just leave important documents in your pockets and run them through the washer.
Good Witch: I present you with some magical ruby slippers!
Dorothy: Oh wow, what do they do?
Good Witch: If you click the heels they will send you to Kansas.
Dorothy: …What else you got?
This one time, I got kicked out of the audience of “Cats” on Broadway for bringing a laser pointer.
I would run in my flip flops, but I don’t want you to fall in love with me.
911: what’s your emergency?
me: I taught my Dad how to text
911: the problem ma’am?
me: he CALLS to say “yeah, got ur text”
whenever i see a baby, i take its candy. i need the win more than the baby does.
Officer i swear I’ve only had 2 dog beers (14 beers)
Are people adding the nuts to their trucks or has mine been neutered?
FRIEND: Wow you have bought A LOT of frozen food
ME: I like to plan ahead
FRIEND: But you haven’t got a freezer
ME: I’m a terrible planner
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
There are two ice cream trucks on my street right now.
Okay, Feds.
The most realistic scene in Star Wars was when Darth Vader lost his cool during a staff meeting and used the force to choke a coworker.
Me: *shares irrefutable and well known fact that no one has dared question in the history of the entire world*
5 year old: No it isn’t
My wife put a Jason Momoa poster on the ceiling and now she wants to have sex with the lights on, I call it a win though cause now I don’t have to feel around on the nightstand for my Oreos.
Get married and have kids so that you can Google things like “How to teach your kid to not bite”.