What’s up r/relationships. So here’s the deal I gave my girlfriend the 2nd toothbrush in a 2 pack when she stayed over last night and she refuses to pay me $1.37 (half the price of the 2 pack ROUNDED DOWN). Should i key her car
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I’ve never felt more geriatric than when I just looked up movie times and audibly gasped at the audacity of a 9:45 pm start. No sir! I will be 30 min into my melatonin induced coma by then.
Me: *making toast at wedding*
Bride: hey those presents weren’t for you
The only time I ever make a good call is when I order pizza
Me, waiting for my husband to realize that I was right.
Some people just want to watch the world bake at 350° for 45 minutes.
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
Fortune Cookie:
You will go on a date with a beautiful woman. She could do so much better.
Microwaves are just clocks that also heat food.
It was obvious from the camera angle it was AMC killing it’s viewers. #TWDfinale
[In bed with gf]
“Do you have any fantasies?”
Yeah, one. You know your friend Sarah, the hot one?
“Yes.. why?”
I want to hit her with my car
I’m in such a bad mood today, all I have to do is look at someone and they start apologizing.
Me: *Sweeping*
Wife: Excuse me
Me: *Slams broom on floor* YOU SHALL NOT PASS
Wife: …
Me: That’s from lord of
Wife: MOVE!
Me: *Moves*
RT if you know someone like this!!!
when all of your friends are at a bar that doesn’t allow you inside because one time you brought a sword in there
Why don’t they just get Jehovah’s Witnesses to deliver the mail?
Looking through 15’s yearbook:
Me: you’d crack up looking at my high school yearbook from 1995.
8: did they have color pictures back then?
😒
Justin Timberlake: I’m bringing sexy back
Sexy: *nervously* uh no thanks I’ll get an Uber
Teacher: this is an E
Kid: what if it’s an F behind an L
T: no it’s just an E
K: how can u be sure
[3 am]
T: *wide awake* how can u be sure
Me: I’m feeling really confident right now.
Universe: Humble her.
sorry I missed your call, 95% of the calls I get are from robots trying to steal my credit card information so this entire method of communication is now dead to me
“Being nice to someone costs zero dollars.”
-cheapskates
Look, you can tell me what to do in an emergency and that’s fine, but I’m going to do what I do best, and that is panic.
orange in the 60s, mus in the 70s, poon in the 80s, wu in the 90s. – the history of tang
It’s ok to not have a Valentine on Valentine’s Day. I didn’t have a groundhog on Groundhog’s Day
Lay with me until everything crumbles and nothing but creeping ivy shields us from the incessant chatter of wandering cadavers. Bring snacks
The term domestic housewife implies that there is a feral housewife and now I have a new life goal.
I’ve hired a circus clown for my funeral.
Not for any of that celebrate my life bullshit, just to sit silently at the back to freak my family out.
Who let the owls out WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO
If you aren’t amazed by a plant showing up after you put a seed in the ground, we have nothing to talk about. Unless you’re like, really hot.