Dating:
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”Marriage:
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
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My cat is bilingual. He ignores me in both English and Spanish.
Taught a parrot to repeatedly say “WHERE ARE YOUR GLOVES?” and now I don’t have to talk to my kids until Spring so that’s pretty cool.
sometimes killer whales hunt moose, and if that doesn’t scare and confuse you, it probably should
The corner of this table hurt me and made me cry, so now we’re dating
[looking up at bird sitting in a tree whilst on 1st date]
“I didn’t know birds could climb trees”
One time I got so nervous when a guy took off his pants in front of me I said “friggity diggity” please do not rt
Me: *breaks the neck of my enemy to save ammo
Everyone else at laser tag: 😳
Me: Welcome to McDonalds, can I take your McOrder?
McDonalds Boss: Again *rubs temples* you don’t need to put Mc in front of words
Me: Oh ok *turns back to customer* welcome to Donalds
Girlfriend: Did you get all the dishes?
Her (actual) boyfriend: I think so
Me: *from the bushes outside* You missed a cup, Todd
Nah, you don’t give me anxiety. not like when someone hands me money and the bills are facing different directions
Me: (plops myself next to 9 on his bed)
9: Wow. You’re heavy. You made a mini earthquake
Me: (pushes 9 off the bed)
9: What the heck was that?!
Me: Aftershock
You ever run back into a store looking for the sunglasses on top of your head?
Me neither.
Jesus, I didn’t mean my cheese wheel when I said you take the wheel.
GUYS GUYS GUYS, I just saw this dude wearing the stupidest . . . False alarm, just a mirror.
BOUNCER: *checking ID* this doesn’t look like you
CATERPILLAR: *adjusts makeshift wings* its me
B: oh yeah? Fly then
C: uh *starts sweating*
Right about now, family members all over the country are realizing the Starbucks cards I gave them for Christmas are empty.
ME: *gives single fried shrimp to a blackjack dealer* one gambling please
Daylight Saving Time is increasingly hard to notice when my digital are devices are like, “What? Nothing happened. We know what time it is.”
And my stove is left blinking and screaming, “IT HAPPENED! TIME SHIFTED UNNATURALLY! THEY’RE ALL LYING! ONLY I KNOW! ONLY I REMEMBER!”
the only difference between 15 year old me and current me is that if i fell off of a skateboard now i would die.
friend: wish you were here!
me, abruptly stopping whatever I’m doing and captaining a speedboat approaching your house: oh really
*Screaming at kids at soccer practice
LADY: Which one is yours?
ME: None of them. I just have anger issues.
Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and still want to take a nap by noon.
Them: What’d you scrape your chin on?
Me: A chiseled jawline with a 5-o’clock shadow.
Bought some of that edible cookie dough.
Gotta say it’s just not as good without the hint of a salmonella threat.
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
she died as she lived: screaming “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD HAVE ANY OF YOUR SCREENWRITERS EVER MET A HUMAN WOMAN?????” at her computer screen
Jewish Baristas, or as I like to call them…
He brews.
I guess it’s time to start acting my age. Seriously when I was born, the Dead Sea was just sick.
“Man, for some reason I’m not hungry at all today”
“It was a full moon last night – we ate a bunch of villagers”
“Ah shit, I forgot. More like unaware wolf, amirite?”
The best thing about going to my Parents at the weekend is my Mum’s meatloaf.
She can’t do the voice but she looks just like him.