I cannot breath, walk, or bend over but DAYUM these skinny jeans look good.
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[Creation]
God:*creates single-cell life form* “Wahoo!”
*cell divides*
God:”What the-”
*cells divide again*
God:”Oh shi-“
Keep ignoring my texts and I swear to God I’ll leave a voicemail.
[treading water in the ocean with my pet porcupine]
Me: we’ll just have to find another life raft, Jabby
[Swims out to Sea]
*sees shark*
OH NO!
*dolphins save me*
Thanks dolphins!
*dolphins ask for a tip
[I’m broke]
*they return me to the shark*
Her: “Men are creepy!”
Me, from inside of the closet:
“Yes, we are.”
You think you’ve brought your kids up right and then you find the toothpaste tube squeezed in the middle.
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
*teleports two inches to the right*
I saw an attractive girl in the UK and said to her “you look like a million pounds”. That’s how I got this black eye.
Did you know that if you squint at a cat and it squints back, it’s the cat’s way of saying “What the f are you looking at?!”
{Stalker Diary}
Went through his trash.
He buys the generic Fruit Loops. I remain committed. I find his frugalness irresistible.
Im an adult and still don’t play by the rules *pretends to take long drag from chocolate cigarette*
Ok, I know pandemics are bad … but have you ever run out of tequila?
Is there a college degree for opening a new box of cereal in the pantry before the old box of the same brand is finished? If so, that’s going to be my daughter’s major.
[aliens talking]
“They call it a sel-fee”
A photograph of oneself?
“Sometimes several”
But why?
“We have one theory”
Go on
“They’re idiots”
What do you call a snake that is exactly 3.14 meters long?
A πthon
Every time you get a haircut, you’re essentially returning your last haircut and exchanging it for the exact same thing
I’m what the New York Times once referred to as “an acquired taste…like bleach.”
I can’t believe they have an entire Clinic just for studying Mayo.
I hate people who take drugs.
Especially Border Patrol
[hospital]
DOCTOR: Your wife signed a DNR
ME: I’m here for a sprained ankle
DOCTOR: She insisted
Quick tip for people who use mobile telephones:
If you’re tired of throwing away phones every time your battery dies, check out “phone chargers”. It’s a device that restores your phone’s battery. I recently invested in one and now I no longer need to buy a new phone every day
Dear Amazon, I bought a toilet seat because I needed one. Necessity, not desire. I do not collect them. I am not a toilet seat addict. No matter how temptingly you email me, I’m not going to think, oh go on then, just one more toilet seat, I’ll treat myself.
I feel lethargic today. Probably has nothing to do with the two thousand grams of white sugar consumed yesterday.
Thank you Saran Wrap for so many years of not even remotely doing what I want.
my son just asked me where do pizzas come from adn has yet to ask me where do babeys come from. thats my boy
High school teachers: your college professors won’t be nearly as laid back as I am
My college professor:
Hollywood led me to believe I would have to do way more heat/AC duct crawling than I’ve had to do.
Hub: When was your first kiss
Me: July 4th 1978 I kissed Brent under the fireworks
Hub: Didn’t you have a frog named Brent
Me: I hate you
We do these things not because they are easy. We do these things because we thought that they might be easy.
Marriage 30s: He doesn’t know I burp or fart yet.
Marriage 40s: You should probably sleep in the other room because I had Mexican food for lunch.