It appears that children’s bladders get smaller as is gets darker outside.
This scientific hypothesis has been proven by my 7 year old coming out of the bedroom to pee five times in the last hour.
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I don’t understand people with clean houses. My house looks like a hurricane and tornado broke in, got into a brawl, and left
My husband and I got in a fight and I was certain I had the last word until we went to bed and he started snoring
My best friend just sent me a picture she saw on Facebook and I was all like,”is this the new school board?” And she was like, “um, isn’t that your son and the mock trial team?”
Anyway, I’m a REALLY GREAT mom.
judge: what do you have to say for yourself
scooby-doo villain: i was legally startling trespassers on my own private property and was wrongfully arrested and imprisoned by a group of high teenagers
judge: oh damn
one time while we were eating dinner my uncle suddenly ran into our house & told us that he just ate a whole apple pie & needed to hide out for a few hours. a few minutes later a bunch of cop cars raced by
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
healthy as a horse? they literally can’t walk down the street without shitting themselves but sure, ok
grocery shopping hungry is way more interesting than full, hungry me is down to eat anything and everything
I’m trying out a new email sign off. I’ve replaced “Best,” with “I bequeath to you an unspecified curse,”
Breaking into my enemies home and eating all their cheese.
The next time my middle schooler refuses to acknowledge me in public, I’m giving him a big hug and asking him when his last bowel movement was.
*gives your eulogy after inhaling helium*
I asked when my gym membership was up and the dude said “day before Valentine’s Day” like I’m some genius who knows when Valentine’s Day is.
Sometimes I look at my dog and get a little jealous, wondering why nobody ever tells me I’m a good girl when I take a sh*t outside
In middle school I knew a guy named Austin who would always say that he slept with your mom to own you. Then one kid called his bluff and started talking about how Austin had basically ruined his family and how his mom was in prison now. Completely changed the game.
Keeping a very sharp knife next to my bed in case a burglar breaks in and wants sashimi
me: “£4,000 for a beehive?”
salesman: “sir, there are 8,000 bees in there, that’s only 50p each”
me: [checking my wallet] “give me 3 bees”
What’s with these people who take a sip of their coffee as soon as they get it? Who are these iron-mouthed warriors?
You’re telling me that not one of The Peanuts ever when into anaphylactic shock?
Batman: “Shall we watch a film?”
Superman: “Have you got Cape Fear?”
Batman: “Only in revolving doors. Now, a film?”
Calm down check engine light, if I can run on broken parts, so can you
There is no “we” in chocolate.
Dracula had it right, sleep all day, live alone in a castle & explode into a thousand bats to get out of social situations.
I have an innuendo addiction and I’m really pleased when I manage to write a tweet without one. It’s really hard when you just want to slip one in.
Dear websites I don’t give a shit what you do with my cookies right now
So I was all like Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was all —
And I was Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was —And that’s when I knew it wasn’t gonna work out
the moral of the Phantom of the Opera is that sometimes there’s this weird guy who is impossible to deal with
Me: Both of our hamsters died and we just can’t part with them
Taxidermist: Would you like them mounted?
Me: Um no, just holding hands
[Wakes up in hospital after car crash]
I’m afraid we had to amputate both of your feet.
“OMG why?”
You were too tall to fit in the ambulance
I bought some milk over the weekend and also picked a new JavaScript framework to use.
At least one of these will be out of date before the week’s up.