*limping in, covered in makeshift bandages*
Wife: Ready to admit that a puma does not make a good housecat?
Me: He’s just lonely. We need another puma.
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He said: “Tell me Baby…am I your first?”
She said: “What? Like…today?”
You look at the top of your phone screen and see the ringer off and alarm clock icons and wonder when you got old and boring and responsible
Once again not all heroes wear capes
I like that they just call it brown sauce. I mean, can you be a little more vague, please. What the hell’s actually in that stuff?!
5-year-old: Can I borrow a dollar?
Me: You don’t have a job. How will you pay me back?
5:
Me:
5: I’ll borrow another dollar.
Champagne says I’m classy. Vodka says I can do anything I want. My therapist says I have to stop talking to my drinks.
Get a puppy if you are in the market for a best friend who gets you up at 5 am so she can bite you excitedly
Got a text from an unknown number that said “I’m on my way,” so I’m tweeting this from the closet.
It’s crazy how you can be shopping in a hardware store and need help but can’t find a single employee to help you, then there are times when you don’t need help and five employees will pop up out of no where asking if you need help.
Every. Single. Time.
The older I get, the more sympathize with Squidward’s anger.
Goodnight room
Goodnight moon
Goodnight neighbor’s Christmas lights that’ll stay up til June
“I just wanted to create something that makes a horrible ripping sound. The adhesive aspect was just an accident.”
– inventor of velcro
My doctor wasn’t amused when he asked how much I weighed and I said
One hundred and fat
Me: I’ve decided to be the girl from The Grudge.
Friend: For Halloween?
Me: For what?
Mammals for $500 Alex
“Slow moving mammals that spend most of their time sleeping & eating”
What are sloths?
“Wrong, What are coworkers”
8yo: Can you just say nothing?
3yo: Nothing
8yo: No, just say nothing
3yo: Nothing!
8yo: No, can you just be silent?
3yo:
3yo: NOTHING!
[furiously trying to stir a stick of butter into a glass of milk]
“Don’t you wish there was an easier way?”
[cut to carton of butter milk]
*walks up to salad bar and fills entire plate with bacon bits and chocolate pudding*
Fingers crossed that Cupid hits me in the carotid artery.
I bet you could move to the UK and start calling people a, “bleeding tea cozy mop ringer” and it would eventually catch on
just pick it off the pizza, you won’t taste it
~ one of the many lies black olive lovers tell us
Me [murdering the last vampire] it’s the final count down!
Commissioner: we’ll need to stay in touch
Batman: ok
Commissioner: this stealth communication device will-
Batman: LETS USE A GIANT SKY LAMP
me: do you serve crabs here?
waiter: yes, we do
my crab: *taking off his jacket* finally
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not buying McDonald’s. What do you want me to make?
Child: A Big Mac.
This morning, my 3 year old son emerged from our bedroom wearing several of my wife’s scarves and every bracelet she owns. I know he’s young, and saying this may make me appear close-minded and intolerant, but I don’t want him growning up to be Johnny Depp.
A gentleman never eats his soup by soaking it into his tie and squeezing it out into his mouth
“This would look a lot better in the toilet”
-toddlers
A few years ago I accidentally left one of my kids at the Alamo. It wasn’t too bad, it was less than 20 minutes when we realized. The problem is now, at 17, anytime she wants something she says, “REMEMBER THE ALAMO?” and my mom guilt takes over and she gets whatever she wants.
Here’s how I gained 27Ibs of muscle in 5 weeks:
Lying.