I don’t think it is fair God plays for the Seahawks, seems like an unfair advantage.
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YOU (falling prey to the pathetic fallacy): The sky is angry tonight.
ME (science-loving, dispassionate): Everything is angry all the time.
[first day as a bank teller]
robber: *pointing gun* give me all your money
me: wait, my money or the bank’s money?
robber: let’s start with yours
me: ok *walks over to the next teller* i need to make a withdrawal
I started to cook breakfast and my 8yo hopped up to me and chirped, “I can make eggs.”
And then she did.
She made perfect scrabbled eggs.
How long has she been trolling me, sitting at the breakfast table pretending that she cannot even pour herself a drink?
MILLION DOLLAR IDEA: An alarm clock that sounds like a dog’s pre-puke warning grunts.
Being a parent isn’t just a job it’s a way of life. Like coal mining, or deep sea fishing, or ice road trucking….really any job that’s actively trying to kill you.
I only use shampoo that smells like raspberries so people don’t think it’s weird when I have jam in my hair.
If two parents sit down to help their child with three math problems at 7:00 PM, what time will daddy be sleeping on the couch tonight?
my parents often told me I would lose my own head if it wasn’t screwed on and now that I’m an adult I want to know what tools I need to have it screwed off
Ruin a perfectly nice trip out with your child by bringing your child.
A walk in the woods helps me relax and release tension.
The fact that I’m dragging a body behind me should be irrelevant
I no longer dislike Mondays, i’m mature now… I dislike the whole week.
OMG I forgot to read my horoscope and now I have no idea what life has in store for me today!!!!!!
[to girl i just brought home] watch your step, i was playing with my legos earlier
Seems kinda suspicious
i mean, i wouldn’t kick you out of bed for eating lasagna.
If I had all the money, I would pay people to sneak up behind you and blast a bullhorn right before you hit send on a political tweet.
where’s that tiktok video of that guy dancing in front of some cows and the cows are slowly backing away from him and then he hits one move really hard and they all run away
When bagging my groceries make sure to keep the radioactive bananas away from the mercury laden tuna.
That’s too much death in one bag.
A wise man once said… absolutely nothing.
He let her vent and then they had sex afterward.
My kids both made it into college despite the fact I helped them with their math homework.
“you’re so quiet” i wish you were too
Did Roberto Martinez just moonwalk out of the job
So, no one told my 13yo that spoons can’t go in the microwave.
How’s your day
In hell, it’s always the last minute of a staff meeting and someone raises his hand for “one more quick question.”
devastated to announce I did not win the mega millions so I will be at work on monday
Wife: Don’t forget we have plans tonight.
Me: I thought we were going to watch the game?
Wife: We? Do you have a mouse in your pocket?
Whispers to the mouse in my pocket: Maybe you should take the jersey off and put on your casual outfit…
“To be is to do” – Socrates.
“To do is to be” – Nietzsche.
“Do be do be do” – Sinatra.
“Beep beep beep” – R2D2.
I don’t usually brag on here, but I just got an email saying I have, and I quote, an “outstanding” medical bill
Adding “Free HBO” to your dating profile isn’t the game changer you’d think it’d be.
Me: *taking a family photograph*
Family: Did that guy just steal our picture?