Baby is your name pasture because you reek of pure bullshit
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Mr & Mrs Smith is my favorite movie about how trying to kill your spouse & demolishing your house can bring the magic back to your marriage
The bank wouldn’t cash my huge check so I am using it as shelter from the elements until I figure out how to get up the beanstalk to the giant teller window
chasing after a ping pong ball is wildly dehumanizing
“You like mayonnaise? Prove it.” – Costco
I am starting to suspect that my camo hoodie isn’t as clean as it appears
[wife calls]
did you write “make all the traps from home alone” on the calendar
[me at hardware store holding paint cans and feathers] “no”
Got dragged to a Sarah McLachlan concert…came home with 7 dogs, 3 cats and a ferret.
Realtor: This house has a great location
Me: But what’s the square doggage?
Realtor: What
Me: *rubbing my temples* How many dogs can it fit?
Not to brag, but I always go to the hottest cashier at the store and she always checks me out.
Bryan Adams: in the summer of ‘69
Danny Zuko: I remember it well because my mouth got all sandy
Me: *barges into the room*
How dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
Sex so kinky your foam mattress has to repress the memory.
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Um, the Stork.
[stork knocks on bedroom window] He’s lying.
Me: I’ll just take a regular bikini wax. Or should I go Brazilian? What do you think?
Nurse: Ma’am, I’m just here to take out your catheter.
There goes my Valentine’s Day plans..
my lower back watching me try to live my life
ME: so what do you do for a living
HER: I work for a moving company
ME: where is it today?
Me: Here’s half my income.
Daycare: Cool. Here’s a new virus every other week.
*waking up to dog kisses*
Good morning…such a good boy…yes I love you too…you raided the garbage again didn’t you…
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
*young woman walks by
Wife: Wow, she looks really good, don’t you think?
Me: NO WAY, I’M NOT GOING TO FALL FOR THAT
“No more screen-time! Don’t worry about other people think of you! No snacks before dinner! Clean up this mess immediately!”
Me, parenting, while I scroll my phone to see if people liked my posts while eating Cheetos in my dirty kitchen.
Everything’s free if you learn to mimic the beep of the self-checkout scanner
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: why
Wife: because you always make up lies to get me intrigued
Me: well then I guess you’ll never find the buried treasure
I love breakdancing. I don’t do it…
Or watch it, even.
I just like it because it allows be to sell cardboard to rich white kids.
[neighborhood meeting]
Me: This is an outrage!
Neighbor: Exactly! The city’s plan to–
Me: Nothing but powdered creamer for the coffee? I’m out of here.
Why are people upset about the Starbucks cup and not the fact that they are paying $7 for coffee?
Friend: There are plenty of fish in the sea
Fish in the sea:
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.