I just learned to use Instagram, so you guys can all rest assured that it is officially no longer cool.
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Hypnotist: *you are getting sleepy*
Me: I can’t be hypnotized, man
Hypnotist: *waves plate of nachos before my eyes*
Me: touché
Added my sticker to the family on the back of your van I am in your family now you have to bring me to costco every time you go.
“This is a terrible wine tasting event. ” – me at church.
<——-Wants the burger
<——-Needs the salad
i’ve had this nightmare before 😱
Me: There’s a cold spot I think it’s a ghost
Her: You’re standing in front of the open refrigerator
Me: OUR REFRIGERATOR IS HAUNTED?!
Dad used to remind us kids to check for copperheads hidden in the woodpile. Of less concern was giving an ax to a 10-year-old.
The hardest part of being Darth Vader is never being able to sneak up on anyone because your theme music started playing.
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills?
me: yes that number is zero
[bar]
CUSTOMER: Barman
BARMAN: Sir?
C: This beer tastes like piss
[further down the bar]
BEAR GRYLLS: I’ll have what he’s having
Don’t stand there judging me.
Have a seat. This could take awhile.
The neighbours that overlook my garden must be religious. They’re always buying me pants with notes saying ‘for the love of God please wear these’.
I wish I had remembered this was a rectal thermometer before I’d put it in my mouth for 3 minutes.
When ya leave Twitter it’s called twittercide.
What about Instagram?
Instagramicide? IGicide? Instacide? Gramicide? Instadead? Instagone?
Just realized I get most of my upper body strength from shredding cheese.
I’m just a girl, with a baseball bat, smashing my internet modem into a gazillion pieces.
I’m going start wearing a cape instead of headphones to deter people from talking to me.
4: mama, I lost my pet rock. I need it. you HAVE to find it!
me: well, where did you have it last?
4: outside
Do you scroll through Netflix to find a good show for your dog to watch when you leave the house or are you normal?
Well, she was raised to refer to dinner as ‘supper’ so obviously it wasn’t going to work out in the end.
3yo: Dad, have you ever seen a dinosaur?
ME: No. No one has. They lived during a different time.
3yo: How sad–
ME: Well it’s a liitle sad, but that’s the circle of life; & if dinosaurs had not perished, we probably wouldn’t–
3yo: How sad no one knows what dinosaurs taste like.
Photographer: Ok. You two hold hands, & u, in the back, hold a gun to that guy’s head. Nice. I’ll add blush in post.
[bar trivia night] and remember no using your phones unless it’s an emergency
me: [five minutes later] hello 911? are butterflies insects?
My kid just looked at a random speaker and said, “Alexa! Oh wait, that’s not your name,” and then walked away as if nothing happened.
“Omg there’s a picture of him blowing smoke out of his mouth. I must bang him this instant”- no one, ever.
My 6yo: *begs to go to a Mexican restaurant*
Also my 6yo: *orders a hot dog*
Me: so every time I work out I reward myself with a cookie
Them: isn’t that kind of defeating the…
Me: NOBODY ASKED YOU BRENDA!
Yes, Andrew Tate may own 33 gas guzzling cars, but Greta Thunberg now owns one Andrew Tate.
[guy running at me with a machete]
wonder what this fella wants
most german shepherds don’t know much german at all and are relieved when you try english