according to my research, maximum work from home productivity can be reached when you wear a towel all day and lie about your camera not working
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*Opening my window like a Disney princess to greet neighbors who are angrily throwing tomatoes*
My kid’s closest friend was telling me that she (16) and some of her school friends were having the discussion: ‘Who is the one man you’d feel comfortable being alone in a room with in any situation.’ Her answer was Shrek.
“I’m a copy-editor”
– boring
– who cares
– what does that even mean“I am here to right what has gone wrong”
– mysterious
– ominous
– maybe you have a sword
You’re like that person playing Pictionary who draws something terribly and just keeps circling it.
Dear people who combine Christmas and birthday gifts,
WE HATE YOU!
Sincerely,
Everyone born in December.
The sacred texts.
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum!
u guys got any snacks onboard here
For starters, you drew your mom the same size as the house. Good enough for the fridge? I don’t even want it in my garbage.
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
“I’m hungry. Except for anything you made. There’s no way I’m eating that.”
– Kids
A Peeping Tom was hospitalized after falling out of a tree. Appropriately in the ICU.
Boss: Are you asleep?
Me: Sorry, must’ve dozed off
B: That’s unacceptable!
M: I apologised, didn’t I ?
B: And where are your pants?
M: *shrugging* I always sleep naked
You found poison in his stomach? But he HATED poison!
Eve: I’m hungry
Adam: wHy dOnT yOu hAvE aN aPpLe
Eve: not this again
Me: I hope people will come visit my skeleton after I die
Them: OH MY GOD will you just say “cemetery”
About 2/3 of Earth’s surface is water. Same for the human body. So really, we’re all incontinent
Her: I’m not cleaning the sheets this time
If Nostradamus had been any good he’d have called his book of prophecies ‘Predictive Text’.
To combat the sibling rivalry that’s been occurring at home, we’ve been spending more time outdoors. So essentially they’re just taking it outside.
1st Date
Me: Just warning you. I get freaky.
Her: Oh yeah? How freaky.?
Me:*thinking of using pizza rolls as a pizza topping* So freaky.
Me: Cook it al dente.
Waiter: This is Red Lobster.
“Anyone can find the switch after the lights are on.”
– Confucius, who died in 479 BCE and was apparently also a time traveler
Coworker: Pass your random drug test?
Me: With flying colors!
CW: Really?
Me. So many colors!
CW: You’re high right now aren’t you?
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
Please take the smartphone away from your pets, they are spamming your Facebook with selfies.
My wife says brushing my teeth when sitting on the toilet is disgusting but honestly this toilet brush is almost brand new
Things I’ve learned in life
1. Never tickle a stranger at a bar or at the urinal.2….
That’s it. Just don’t tickle people you don’t know
Get out, RUN! That DM was coming from INSIDE THE HOUSE
*a guy sneezes*
*i scramble to put on a fake mustache*
“BLESS YOU”
*rolls eyes* thanks kyle *deep sigh* youre a–
“IM A BLESSING IN DISGUISE”
When I say I’m tired, the “of people” is silent