people who brush their teeth in the shower are operating on a level of efficiency i have no desire of achieving
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If you’re just out of school and working at your first adult job you may be wondering, “Is this really all there is to life?” and the answer is no! There’s also back pain
700 people a year die falling down stairs that’s why my house only has slides
The Weeknd is back
gimme fuel
gimme fire
gimme reba mcentire
DATE: So tell me something about yourself
ME: I like to call frozen burgers ‘brrrgers’
HER: I need to see other people
ME: my wife eats all the caramel corn and leaves the cheese
JUDGE: give this man full custody of the kids
ME: no wait they do the same thing
Good morning, especially if they tried to make go to rehab and you said no, no, no.
A message for people with imposter syndrome:
The Pentagon just announced they miscalculated by $3 billion, you’re doing fine (unless you are this one accountant at the Pentagon)
Wife: Are you ever gonna use that workout DVD I got you?
Me: *defensively* I have been using-
Wife: Not as a coaster
Me: *sipping beverage* This is a sports drink
A thing I learned at this week’s staff meeting is that I have restless leg syndrome when I sleep.
People say sausage dogs are impractical but how many golden retrievers can run a fresh toilet roll under the cubicle door?
“I can taste the difference between varieties of brands of mayonnaise”
– my best friend and the whitest man I know
Haven’t even received my $1,200 yet and I’m already worried about gold-diggers.
“And you are?” she asked.
I puffed out my chest, hoping that if I angled my name tag correctly I could read its reflection in her sunglasses
How dare the delivery guy ring my doorbell and disturb me with a package that I ordered.
My OnlyFangs is just me snapping my teeth at the camera and biting someone occasionally.
Officer: It seems you have been drinking. Could you say the alphabet starting with the letter M?
No problem: Malphabet.
There’s safety in numbers.
CDC: Uh, no.
I want an ecologically friendly burial (chuck me over my neighbor’s fence).
Kangaroo 911: What’s your emergency?
Kangaroo: I CAN’T FIND MY CHILDREN
Kangaroo 911: Did you check your pockets?
Kangaroo: Oh nevermind
If I’m wrongly accused of a crime, I’m going to prison. I’m way too introverted to have an alibi.
Don’t worry about the people that drink Coke or Pepsi, worry about the ones that say “I’m fine with either”
Therapist: please tell me a little about what brought you both here today.
Wife: We don’t talk. Plus he is so literal.
Me: My truck.
PSYCHOLOGIST: [holding up inkblot] wat do u see
ME: a outdated discredited method with no scientific backing
PSYCHOLOGIST: [starts sweating]
Set your phone alarm to a song you hate. You won’t hit snooze, because then you’d have to hear Nickelback again.
ME: I’ve spent my whole life running
THERAPIST: from who you are?
ME: [thinking about that one time I threw a boomerang into a tornado] no
Someone forgot to pay the earths yearly subscription fee for “being ok” after the free trial ended.
Me: I need a “personal massager”
Hitachi: No problem, here’s our Magic Wand. Anything else?
Me: You wouldn’t happen to know where I can get a 20-ton industrial crawler excavator would you?
Hitachi: You’re not gonna believe this
with extra mice
“rice or mice”
mice
“we don- are u a snake”
yes
“we cant deliver to a snake”
d’you know how long it took to dial this number
Have a baby hold your cigarette for a minute
and everybody loses their shit!