A horse-drawn carriage sounds really romantic until you realize horses can’t even hold a pen and the carriage just looks like a scribble.
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*plot gets twisted.
plot: Ouch!
Running down the street dragging an entire bank behind me because I stole one of those pens attached to the little silver chain
Whoa, whoa whoa…
I only lick people on the street when I need them to get out of my way.
My neighbor’s smart refrigerator keeps trying to text me salami
When my wife forgets to fill up the fishtank I lower the ceiling a few inches every day until she remembers.
People who say “go big or go home” seriously underestimate my willingness to go home. Like, it’s literally my only goal for most of the day.
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow you didn’t waste any time did you Becky
Please help me find my lost pet sloth. It was just right here and, oh, never mind, it’s still right here.
Me:Come in. It’s not like I’m a serial killer.
Him:*laughs nervously*
Me: *laughing* u have to murder more than 2 ppl for it to be serial
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
Girls be like “I love you” and then instead of ghosting you and going fishing with the guys, they spend the rest of their lives with you. Be careful out there
Person 1: You should do Yoga.
Person 2: Why would I ever do that little green guy from Star Wars? He’s not sexy at all.
Person 3: She means the picnic basket stealing bear, idiot.
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: electric windows?
Me, taps window: glass
Customer: break horse power?
Me: oh yeah, this will smash a horse to bits
Customer: 4 wheel drive?
Me, quickly counts: yup
Customer: manual?
Me: in the glove box
“Don’t wind up the dog, he’ll be annoying”
Me:
Screw it. SCREW EVERYTHING.
– me, 5 minutes after learning how to use a power drill
Me: today I’m not apologizing for ANYTHING!!!!!!
*almost steps on pigeon*
Me: omg sorry sorry sorry
MOM: Your father was abducted by aliens last night.
ME: [about to adjust thermostat] Oh no.
[meanwhile in ufo]
ALIEN: What do you mean we have to turn around?
DAD: Somethings wrong I can’t explain it.
I noticed you were watching as I struggled to find my mouth with my straw. Glad we could share that moment.
There’s a song playing in Panera that goes “I got your Christmas right here”, and this just sounds so aggressive to me .
My computer: hey friend, I’ve only got 55 minutes left on my battery
My computer two minutes later: LMAO!! *dies*
*Googles: pet raccoons
“Raccoons are wild animals. Keeping raccoons is ILLEGAL in…”
*scrolls
“What to Expect From Your Pet Raccoon!”
*clicks
her: what are you watching?
me: film about misconceptions of ownership and land rights of wetlands under an absolute monarchy
her:
me:
her: are you describing sh—
me: yeah it’s shrek again
Why do meditation exercises always start by telling me to close my eyes? How am I gonna read the rest of the instructions?! 😆
6 month checkup…
Doctor: You don’t look so good. Do you smoke or drink alcohol?
Me: I drink it.
You really dropped the ball today Ted. You’re fired.
“Please, no. I can try harder.”
You operate a wrecking crane, man. People died.
Why is lumberjack the only job with some random guy’s name attached? Why aren’t plumbers called, like, toiletdougs? Or crapperjoels?
A winged baby shooting people with a bow and arrows. Yeah, what wouldn’t turn me on about that?
ladies say I’m a hamster in the sheets because I squeal when I’m uncomfortable and I leave small pellets in the bed
Divorces should just be reverse weddings where you get pushed out of a church while your friends steal appliances from your home.
I wish they’d stop turning movies into musicals and make them ice shows instead.
I’d pay good money to see “The Godfather on Ice.”