Boomers: we don’t share our feelings.
Millennials: we share all of our feelings.
Gen X: feelings?
You Might Also Like
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being inclusive. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
If you love something, set it free…
Except if ‘It’ is a man.
Because he’ll get lost,
and won’t ask for directions.
My 4yo is constantly asking us if he can push buttons and it’s like…you already do buddy…you already do.
I make a lot of jokes about my husband and they’re all true, but sometimes I forget to mention how lucky he is with me as a wife.
Today I burned spinach.
My husband is setting up a new cell phone and listening to him play every single ring and text tone is exactly what I imagine hell is like.
Only my kid could make “when we get home I’m going to craft something” sound like a threat
Pretty nervous about the guy who dropped out of mechanic school the second they showed us how to cut a brake line.
*first day as a getaway driver*
Me: Hey does anybody want anything from the drive-through?
“Mom, I’m in Season 3 of The Leftovers! It will be the fifth episode.”
“David, I’m so proud of you! What’s the role?”
*David hangs up*
It’s a bird. It’s a plane. It’s a pedestrian. Seriously, you’re hitting everything with your car.
Isn’t it weird that we have one hand that knows how to do everything and then one hand that just sits there like ‘idk how to hold a pencil.
[FIRST DATE]
Her: I’m a vegan
Me: [*trying to impress her] People hate me too
the chicken was already gone when I got here
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away
You are my people
[giving commencement address at graduation]
“My fellow graduates, the best life advice I have is: if you don’t already know how many calories are in a tortilla, never look it up”
“Can you delete that photo of me? It looks EXACTLY the way I look in real life.”
-People
[ after a spat ]
Me: Are you still mad at me?
Her: I guess not.
Me: [ reaching for her ]
Good!!!
Her:
“IS THERE A DOCTOR ON THE PLANE???”
[i stand up super fast & knock myself out on the luggage compartment, requiring another doctor]
You’re 15 and miss the 90’s? Yeah, I’m sure those were the best 2 years of your life. Shitting in your pants and eating dirt.
My husband thinks I’ve been on my phone checking the weather for the last 3500 hours
Doctor 1: burrowing mites under the skin is pretty gross, but how do we make it sound even grosser?
Doctor 2: let’s call it scabies
Doctor 1: YES!! done
Her: *drinking green smoothie* Try this. It’s all natural.
Me: Lava is all natural but you won’t see me drinking it.
Just got kicked off a corn forum for saying you can eat the cob. I’ll just sign up with a different name. They can’t silence the truth.
What if all the cashiers are married?
Officer, I know I was speeding, but you have to let me go. I’m running late to a concert and I’m the guy who brings the giant beach ball.
“So you’re a poet” says the waitress, gliding past. I vainly attempt to slow my reaction but knock over my beer trying to cover the words ‘glistening moose hips’
Been on 3 dates now with this girl who works in the zoo. I think she’s a keeper
scrabbled eggs
I’m being held hostage in the front room by the cat guarding a slow worm in the kitchen 😱