BIKE: Seems like you’ve been eating well since the last time you used me.
ME: *regretting the “great deal” I got on a vicious cycle*
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Writing “fake bills” on all my credit card statements and sending them back.
If Hugh Hefner ran a company wearing pajamas so can you.
He approaches me from behind and wraps his arms around me and I am breathless.
With one firm and quick thrust, he dislodges my food.
My name is Leon but some of you know me by my street name, 9th avenue.
*ernest hemingway voice*
[hospital]
*crying*
Jim it’s your turn to change the baby
*picks up baby*
-Ok brb
*comes back holding a black baby*
-I think they’re onto us
Me: Alexa, will you be my Valentine?
Alexa, robotically: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
[romantic walk]
Me: *turns to date* darling
Her: *gasps*
Me: *gets down on one knee* will you
Her: omg
Me: protest racial inequality with me
Me the car. Him washing the windshield. If course I’m pointing at imaginary spots because that’s always hilarious.
If you wear a Bluetooth phone piece in your ear, you can say “You’re an idiot” to just about anyone you walk past.
My youngest son hid a Ziploc bag of Froot Loops in his pajama drawer so that he wouldn’t miss out on the “good cereal” if he woke up late tomorrow, in case you wondered what growing up in a big family is like.
I’ve often wondered whether baby deer are left or right handed. Turns out they’re bambidextrous.
[donating blood]
Nurse: you’re looking faint. Can I get you a drink?
Me: no thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns
I saw my shadow today. You won’t see that on the evening news because I’m not a stupid fuzzy animal
It’s funny how my doorbell starts working when I’m expecting a pizza delivery.
[doing a crossword]
friend: what’s a 9 letter word for phony
me: baby horse
friend: no like fake
me: unicorn jr
I was driving home the other day, when suddenly a group of robbers jumped in and stole everything. They were pirates of the car I be in.
God: I’m calling this a horse
Angel: Wow you’re so clever, creating an animal that can pull carriages, transport goods, and can help plow the fields!
God *just wanted a chair that can run* thanks
People used to dress as monsters for Halloween. Now they dress as characters from shows you don’t watch.
Please pray for my 9 year old who will apparently need surgery to remove a bandaid.
friend: man, I honestly don’t believe she’d cheat on me
me: look, Gary, you can’t keep burying your head in the sand about this
ostrich at next table: OMG Devon, he did NOT just say what I think he said
Sexy Time:
*removes fluffy bathrobe to reveal second even fluffier bathrobe*
FRIEND: So… being literal is your jam?
ME: No. Being literal is a behavior. It’s not a food.
When people say “what do you want, a cookie?” It’s like yeah. That would be great. Would help my mood immensely
[at restaurant]
Me: “I’m so hungry I could eat a horse”Wife: “I’m the same”
Horse family at next table: *just sitting very still*
I’m not a womanizer! They were all women when I found them!
When we do get this coronavirus vaccine, it better not just be cake.
One day you’re partying until last call and then before you know it you’re genuinely upset when someone parks in front of your house
You can add “cha cha cha” to any sentence you want without explaining yourself. Nobody really appreciates this.
I just bet a hyena £1000 that he couldn’t swim across a river and now he’s laughing all the way to the bank.