I don’t think this app is working properly, I’m like barely getting any matches.
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#NeverForget
[World War One]
Private Hitler: “How can I make this more about me?”
When a woman says she’ll be ready in 5 minutes, I know I have just enough time to fly to space & finish building my Death Star before we go.
Mother’s Day is like the Purge for moms. We can literally do whatever we want for 24 hours.
I wish you’d told me you were happy just flirting on twitter. I’ve already bought plane tickets and murdered my wife.
All I’m asking is, has anybody heard from Captain Planet since David Attenborough arrived on the scene?
Friend: “Did you bring condoms?”
Me: “No need. If I’m drunk enough to talk to a girl, I’m way too drunk to get it up.”
Weighing up my bread heating options
A comprehensive list of the times I will willingly and happily go for a run:
GF says my bike helmet looks ridiculous, but I’d rather be “uncool” than fall and crack my head open in the middle of having sex.
Phantom of the Opera: Oh sure, NOW masks are totally cool.
scrooge: who are you
ghost: i’m the ghost of christmas present
scrooge: so santa claus
ghost: NOT THAT KIND OF PRESENT
Sweetie, I didn’t mute you. I turned the quality filter on and then all your tweets disappeared.
I’m a regular guy just like you. I put my pants on one leg at a time while thinking about how far I could throw each kind of bird while it sleeps.
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
Yeah….so is a grenade
Sam can’t find a tennis ball, and wants me to throw this small rock. Ladies & gentleman, this is the face of addiction.
financial advisor: what are your retirement goals?
me:
Them: What did you make for dinner?
Me: Arroz con pollo
Them: What’s that?
Me: Chicken and rice
Them: Why didn’t you just say that?
Me: 🤦♀️
If someone tried to make me dig my own grave I would say no. They’re going to kill me anyway and I’d love to die the way I lived: avoiding manual labor.
I asked my waitress if she thought me eating alone was embarrassing and she said, “I work at Cheesecake Factory”
I’m so broke right now, I’m gonna have to be renamed, “McDonald’s ice cream machine”.
We Didn’t Start the Fire is a great song for many reasons, but one of the most underrated is, like all great history projects, it starts off super detailed & thorough until you realize it’s due the next day & you end up condensing 1963-1989 into like two stanzas
If I’m guilty of anything it’s that I care too much, that and murder
*acts sassy*
*flips hair*
*walks into a wall*
“Oh hey, Bill, you’re home early.”
Try and stop me.
Customer care: Your call is important to us, please hold on.
Customer: *completes graduation* *gets a job* *gets married* *gets old* *dies*
Him: My tummy feels crummy.
Me: Too much rummy, dummy.
Removing my pants wasn’t what the server meant when she said to make myself comfortable while she got my drink. I understand that now, officer.
Two guys are driving through Indiana and they stop at a fast food place in Louisville. They start arguing about how the name of the town is pronounced, if it’s Louis-vill or Lou-ee-vill. They ask the cashier “how do you say the name of this place?”
She says “Burger King.”