If you are hospitalized for social anxiety you don’t go to the psych ward. You go to the awk ward.
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NyQuil:
Because who doesn’t like to dream about your cat turning into your dog and your dog taking you for a walk and picking up your poop.
[pulled over by cop]
COP: evening folks. this is a random doug test. can I see some ID?
MY FRIEND DOUG IN THE BACK SEAT: [starts sweating]
If my girlfriend doesn’t start being nicer to me, I’m totally gonna bottle up my rage and stay in this shitty relationship for 2 more years.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who sees you eating the chicken nuggets he said he didn’t want
I woke up because of birds chirping.
I wish I had wings too.
I would fly to each of these birds & choke them one by one.
6 am is too early.
I hate the number 7 like “ohh look at me I’m all prime and lucky ohhhh”. You’re just a wonky 1, grow up already
Listen to your instincts. Your gut is always right. It may be a little bloated sometimes…but it’s right.
What’s that, Lassie? Timmy’s in trouble? His marriage is falling apart? He’s having an existential crisis? I’ve got my own problems, Lassie.
LEGALIZE MEDICINAL MURDER
My wife’s fish net stockings are so tight that my legs look like wafer cookies when I take them off.
Substitute teaching 1st graders was not at all the Dead Poets Society experience I was hoping it would be.
If you’re creepy and you know it ~~~> buy a van
*window shutter falls off my house* we’re gonna need more command strips.
*Godzilla screeching in pain as he accidentally steps on Legoland*
Instead of writing letters, let’s wait a week before texting each other back so it still feels like it
Why didn’t the people in the movie Armageddon just hold up a big sheet of paper when the meteor was coming? Paper beats rock…
When you wake from a dream it can feel so real that you say things to your spouse like, I’m sorry I married Jason Momoa when he turned you into a florescent beetle.
Body: I’m sooooooo tired
Brain: WHAT IF DINOSAURS HAD ASSAULT RIFLES
If you tell me to pick a side, I’m always going to choose potato salad.
I just said “Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary. Bloody Mary” to the mirror hoping that I’d have someone new to talk to
My new phone is being delivered by Amazon which means that I can track its movements for a day before it tracks mine for five years.
Gen X kids never wanted to come home. Modern teenagers never want to leave the house.
Gen X parents of teens are basically feral dogs raising housecats.
Idk y men go to bars to meet women? Go to Target. The female to male ratio is 10 to 1 and they’re already looking for things they don’t need
The 9:50 from Paris has been diverted. Nothing to do with the weather, we just don’t like the French.
The first people who called chocolate a vegetable are the real heroes.
God: letting you name each other’s breeds was brilliant on my part.
Cat: for the dogs I got Great Dane, Saint Bernard, and Golden Retriever : )
God: nice! your turn Dog!
Dog: oh.
Cat: I’m so excited!
Dog: alleycat.
Cat:
Dog: look I didn’t know we were being serious.
The Scream movies were believable in the 90’s but c’mon, no one with any common sense answers unknown numbers on their phones anymore
“Have u seen my cat?”
“I saw a cat down the road?”
“Really? [shows me a picture] was it this cat?”
“No, the one I saw was dead.”
Guy doing yoga
Me: Poser!
*Hanging upside down with my arms folded across my chest* You’d better put that toilet seat down when you’re done!