The people in this spin class are looking at me like they’ve never seen a girl with a helmet before.
You Might Also Like
I’m not smart enough to have this many people dumber than me.
Me: Things are going well. *knocks on wood*
5-year-old: Who’s there?
Me: It’s not a knock knock joke.
5: It’s not a knock knock joke who?
No Shave November
No Deodorant December
Lose Your Job January
Forget To Pay Rent February
Move in With Mom and Dad March
I once made 200 pairs of panties hit the ground at the same time.
Yeah I walked into a rack at Wal-Mart
If a man shows up with cotton eyes, my first question won’t be about his travel itinerary.
if you won an award for brushing your teeth the worst, would you receive a plaque plaque?
May my enemies all have to walk several miles in wet jeans
*takes my split ends to couples counseling*
god: make a giant mouse
angel: okay
god: with a baby carrier on it
angel: wh- why
god: but it’s like, really good at jumping and stuff
angel: [nervously] what stuff
god: [hits joint] boxing
someone using bare hands to put salad on a plate is letting you know they’re not here for discussions about etiquette or anything really
I’m not a bad person, although once I blew a paper straw cover at my husband and it stuck in a lady’s hair and I didn’t tell her.
I deleted all my dating apps and I’m planning to meet a new partner the old fashioned way, necromancy.
I’m having one of those days where I feel like the single soggy onion ring that somehow made it into an order of french fries.
[on a date]
*don’t let him know you’re a bird*Him: I’ll drive us. I just had my car cleaned and detailed.
Me: *poops all over windshield*
From now on when people forcefully show me pictures of their baby, I’m simply going to reply, “Hmm… I’ve seen better.”
Everyone at Schrödinger’s funeral looking at his coffin
I love high fashion advertising. It’s like, “Why yes, I am wearing a $2000 skirt at the gas station while a llama patiently waits in my car.”
Marital Status: My husband is mad at me because I cheered for the wrong college football team.
him: I’m so sick of you just agreeing with everything I say
me: same
[leaving HS reunion w/ date]
Aren’t you going to ask why everybody was calling me ‘smelly boy’ tonight?
“Seemed pretty clear I thought”
Hear me out, a leaf blower, but for people.
Breaking news:
Even Forrest Gump got laid.
This is bullshit.
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” -Alcohol
WIFE: Your tree puns make me sick
ME: Well you make me sycamore. Why don’t you leaf.
If you’re the smartest person in the room, you are in the wrong room.
If you answer the phone and say “Hello, you’re on the air.” most telemarketers will hang up quickly.
Other people are gettin these amber alerts, right? Like, it’s not up to me to find these kids?
“I SWEAR I DON’T KNOW WHERE THEY KEEP THE TREATS, PLEASE, I HAVE A FAMILY”
There’s an old sheet of paper in the Batcave with “Carrier pigeons” “Carrier bats (??)” “Morse code” crossed out, and “Searchlight” circled.