BOSS: it’s national replace H’s with F’s day
ME: really?
BOSS: yep, you’re hired!
ME: hahaha-wait
BOSS: get out
ME: what the huck?
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*singing* Got a feeling 22 is gonna be a good year
“Israeli scientists train goldfish to steer car”
Sometimes you just don’t realize you needed that emotional release until it’s over, you know?
my stomach full of six different kinds of cake: i hate u
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
[cute guy approaches at bar]
Him: Hey can I…
Me: [blushing] Yes?
Him: Can I get a pic of you for my mom? You look just like my grandpa.
Evening News is where they begin with ‘Good Evening’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
DOCTOR: Yes, stripping to the waist is necessary for this check-up
ME: uh ok. Should I do it too?
DOCTOR [flexing biceps] yeah if you want
Bird seed is amazing. I sprinkled some on the garden and when I checked 10 minutes later lots of new little birds had already sprung up.
[Preparing for a heist]
Boss: Whoa! You brought in new guys? They aint gonna squeal are they?
Me *with a gang of doves*: Naw man, they coo
My wife’s so square in bed she has cubic hair
I think Lady Gaga just puts glue on herself and rolls around on random things.
her: i saw a shark walking along the beach
me: *flicks cigarette* sharks don’t even have feet, jen
I’m rockin the ‘Barbie doll’ look today.
No, I didn’t dye my hair blonde.
I did 4 pushups and now I can’t unbend my arms
I like to use the formal version of people’s names.
So like, if your name is Terry, I’ll call you Terrence. Larry, Lawrence. Barry, Barrence. Bobby, Bobbence. I don’t know any girls.
My 3-year-old said, “Daddy, you’re big & strong like a garbage truck.” Thanks, I think. I often view of myself as a mobile trash receptacle.
H: Why do you always wear your hair in a ponytail?
Me: I can’t afford a face lift.
*adds alone time to my Amazon wishlist*
“Your sense of entitlement is destroying our relationship”
*me to my dog while trying to eat without having to share.
[grocery store]
Ok, milk… Check!
Eggs… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
I carry dental floss with me at all times because you never know when you’re going to need to garrotte a co-worker.
Shoutout to the kitchen knob that grabbed the strings on my pants and undid them.
I was playing outside with my kids and I tried to jump over something because I forgot I’m 40 anyways who wants to sign my cast?
Twerking is the crocs of dancing.
“Oh hell yes” – Schrödinger, reading the first line of A Tale of Two Cities
ME: Jealousy destroys everything it touches
ANTIQUE DEALER: Weird thing to name your cat but you still have to pay for everything it broke
I swallowed an ice cube yesterday and still haven’t pooped it out.
I’m getting really concerned.
Me: Tie me up? That’s kinky
My Kidnapper: You’ve made this awkward now
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [opening briefcase full of ham sandwiches] judges are more sympathetic to your situation after they eat
prosecutor: [opens briefcase full of meatball subs]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
Tequila be like “I know a spot” then take you here
*pulling up to the mcdonald’s drive thru*
me: can i get an order of prescription-strength french fries, please
Me: *wearing white shirt*
Every food in the universe: GET HIM!