A soulmate who doesn’t complete your sentences for you
That shit is annoying.
You Might Also Like
1st base is watching horror movies together. 2nd base is asking if they think birds are real. 3rd base is determining whether they are prepared for a zombie apocalypse. Home base is abandoning society & moving into the woods together.
I love it when I’m cooking a meal and half way through I realise I don’t have all the ingredients so I improvise by eating a cake instead.
*wakes up kids in the middle of the night* hey. hey sssshhhh. is pikachu just a cat with makeup on
It costs $0.00 to be petty and I love free shit.
Causes of childhood anxiety:
4% Bullying
9% Inability to puncture a Capri Sun pouch
87% Musical Chairs
Finally figured out the reason I look so bad in photos. It’s my face
If anyone else mentions how tiny I am today I will bite their ankles
Our neighbors have little kids, so they hosted a “New Year in London” party
They dressed up, played croquet on the front lawn, watched a livestream from London, and were done by 6:30pm central 😂
5yo: Can you cut this apple differently than how you normally do?
Me: *cuts it differently*
5yo: *doesn’t eat apple*
Me: Why aren’t you eating it?
5yo: Because it’s not the same!
Stop telling people to cut toxic relationships out of their lives! I’m starting to run out of friends you guys.
Running after, screaming for my baby, as the jar of mayo rolls under the counter
Dad: *getting grill ready* I need some lighter fluid
Me: *ties a balloon to his drink*
Dad: *sniff* I’m so proud of you
I want you to know that whatever problems you’re having I’m hear to ‘like’ them. 🙃
So women draw their eyebrows on daily, and nothing is said.
I sharpie on a beard for movember and suddenly everyone has something to say.
*God invents corgis*
God: what ingredients do we have left
Angel: uh, a meatloaf and some pig feet
God: lol check this out
The main cause of immigration is we’re still a country where people want to go, but we’re working on fixing that
Princess: I shall marry whomever of you is the bravest
Suitors: [all awkwardly look at the toaster]
Regular clock: Hey bruh, what’s up? It’s 3:30pm.
Grandfather clock: GET OFF MY LAWN, AND NO, I WON’T TELL YOU THE TIME!!
*drifts off into a nap*
I know restaurants have to make a living but a pet hate is “extra toppings: £2.30!” and then it’s clearly one anchovy or half an olive spread around the pizza
Once in college this guy was like ‘is it ok to do laundry if you don’t have enough for a full load?’ So I showed him the ‘small’ setting on the washer and he started it up, added soap and then a single pair of socks
My right eye has been twitching for over a week! Know what that means, someone’s been thinking of me so much they’re giving me a stroke!
Paramedic: What happened?
Me: [lying in pool of blood] I told my girlfriend she was turning into her mother and she stabbed me.
Paramedic: They all turn into their moth– *also gets stabbed*
Famous people could rob banks wearing masks of themselves and they’d never get caught.
[at the aquarium]
Son, pointing at large tank: daddy what’s that?
Me: that’s a tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
My 15yo just handed me this and apologised, explaining that he’s been contracted to kill me.
4yo: Do you want to play pretend?
Me: I already am.
4yo: What pretend?
Me: Shh, you’re not here.
Lion: *eating me*
Me: *twirling hair* so, like, what are we?
netflix subtitles be like (speaking foreign language) bro translate it
A haunted house but it’s just me walking from room to room to see the mass destruction that occurred when I left my kids alone for 5 min to take a shower.
if i finally fell asleep and a ghost woke me up to show me my past, i’d kill them again