On average I spend about $80 a year to watch bananas turn brown.
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What if deer stare at our headlights because they’re trying to use the force to stop the car and when one actually stops their deer squad is in the woods watching and just losing their minds over it
If you love someone let them go. If they come back they probly forgot their keys or something & yikes that’s gonna be an awkward 30 seconds.
Actually, Sleeping Beauty is the name of the movie. You mean your favorite Disney princess is Aurora. Though I’m not sure how she can be your favorite if you don’t even know her name.
Woman at Starbucks ahead of me: Please stop correcting my daughter. She’s 5.
Super Mario is so unrealistic. No brother would ever help find his missing sister in law.
If your kid asks for a napkin it’s already too late.
Teens today have it so easy. We didn’t have self-checkout lanes when WE bought condoms.
Not really getting much out of this Bring Your Daughter to Work Day, to be honest. It’s almost as if my 6yo had never used PowerPoint before
I like how automatic doors just get out of my way. I wish more inanimate objects seemed scared of me.
Plastic surgeons offer a rhinoplasty menu so you can pick your nose.
Cake: I want a girl who gets up early. I want a girl who stays up late.
Me: She is going to be exhausted.
I’m a savant in that I can look at any block of cheese, no matter the size, and tell you exactly how many Triscuits you’ll need to eat it all.
My dog must think that the mailman just can’t take a hint
Chips are not only delicious, but if you crunch them loud enough you can’t hear your children anymore.
I can’t possibly be the only one who has wondered if the corona crisis could be solved if we all let ourselves be laminated
“Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.” – Me to my children.
This is the only cartoon analysis critic I will watch
[Girlfriend looks at me in disgust]
“Did u just propose using emojis?”
…
“Technically its called a propoji, but yes”
[She’s already gone]
me: [preparing to give eulogy] *takes jacket off*
priest: don’t undress the deceased
If I’m ever captured as a spy, all they’d have to do to get me to talk is put my house slipper on the wrong foot.
My washing machine keeps flashing the code for unbalanced like I know how to fix that
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance
– My stages of getting ready for work
AVOCADO: Hello I’m good fat
BACON: *lights cigarette* *punches avocado*
If whisky can damage your short term memory, just think what whisky can do.
accidentally juuled in front of my mom but she only saw the smoke and goes “what was that” so i immediately said ”oh my god you saw that too?” and now i have to spend the rest of my life pretending my house is haunted
“NO YOU’RE DRUNK,” she says playfully into the mirror, then promptly resumes disappointing her boyfriend’s mom at family dinner.
70% of the Earth’s surface is oceans. The rest is split between car dealerships and a Costco parking lots.
Me: *Making a wish as I throw a quarter into the fountain*
Coworker: He’s ruining the fondue again!
*carves turkey
*puts candle inside and places it on doorstep
Seems like I can’t even sit on a park bench anymore without someone’s henchman sneaking by to swap briefcases
BOWSER: Yo man, remember that time I kidnapped your girlfriend and sent like 2000 of my goons to try and kill you? Then you broke into my house and dumped me in the lava?
MARIO: Yeah.
BOWSER: Haha OK cool, you want to ride go karts later?
MARIO: I sure do!