I’m gonna keep wearing a mask after this pandemic is over. I can’t go back to worrying about how my breath smells like Doritos and garlic and coffee.
You Might Also Like
My kids brought me a mint to try. I commented that it tasted like toothpaste and they said it was hard toothpaste they scraped out of the sink and rolled into mint balls and they want me to be an investor. They call them Breath Balls and DOES ANYBODY WANT TO ADOPT SOME KIDS
Bury me in a shirt that says “not a zombie” so I can trick everyone when I’m a zombie
My daughter wants to know why I won’t peel and slice her apple and according to her “because I’m driving” is not a valid excuse.
This place is like batting practice with tomatoes.
[safely surrounded by a thousand miles of land]
Me: (whispering) more like shark weak
Dating – Do you want to share my cheesecake?
Married- Touch my cheesecake and I’ll end you.
Not to be rude but I think some of you think your dog is your best friend and your dog thinks you’re top 5 at most
You’re over 40. You HAVE glasses but WHERE are they?
If you fall asleep after midnight, it’s already the next day- so you really shouldn’t have to go to work until the day after. What I’m trying to say is: I got fired today.
I dreamt I was drowning in the ocean, and woke up spitting on my pillow.
So yeah, you can say I get pretty wet n wild in bed.
our Lyft driver this evening has plenty of barf bags stashed in the back, automatic 5 stars for him
9 yo me: wow I love my public library yes I’d like to check out 14 novels that are above my reading level. Be back next week
Me now: wow I love my public library yes I would like to check out one—I believe it’s called a Bööke? I will be back in 3-5 business months
i can confirm that Somali pirates have intercepted my shipment of 20,000 glossy 8×10 headshots and are using them for vile purposes
To bye at an auction you should bid adieu
TV ANNOUNCER: Up next, the Masked Singer.
CDC: Good.
Bought coffee flavoured ice cream hoping the kids would hate it and I could have it all but NOPE! Joke’s on me!
Curse you,
gloriously divine Häagen-Dazs in literally any flavour.
#catsoftwitter
i’m convinced the only british slang words you’ll ever need in life are tickety-boo & throwing a wobbly
Thought about doing many things today but that’s as far as I got.
Mmmm canned fish.
Anyone else get in trouble for inadvertently making noise while your child films a video for their non existent YouTube channel? I’m telling my fans to subscribe and ring the bell and you ruined it, Mom!
Them: Have you tried dieting?
Me: Have you ever tried pizza?
OoOcH sTePpInG oN LeGoS iS tHe WoRsT!
-person who has crawled and taken a Lego to the knee
Me. I’m the person.
Doctor: Your son needs a kidney transplant
My mom: K, he NEEDS or he WANTS one?
me: did you know beethoven was deaf
date: the dog?
me: of course the dog
Me [drunk]: gimme a bloody mary
Employee: sir, this is a haunted house
Me: m’bad. Gimme a bloody mary bloody mary bloody mary
CLEVELAND: We want a championship.
DEVIL: ok, but you’ll have to host the Republicans.
CLE: …Fine.
DEVIL: Trump’s the guy.
CLE: We want 2.
her: u excited for the next Star Wars?
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
If a huge bird swooped down and snatched my infant I’m not sure if I’d scream, “my god, my baby!” or “Honey, Honey, get the bird book!”
INTERVIEWER: u put “whiskey” as a reference?
ME: ope i thought it said preference