People who end their sentences with Latin abbreviations usually don’t know what they’re talking about et al.
You Might Also Like
Not arguing with people in 2024, I’m just gonna say “it makes sense that you would think that”
“You can’t have 80° and 30° weather in the same week”
Midwesterners: hold my beer
if you don’t respond to my email when i am alive don’t expect me to reply to your ouija board questions when i am dead.
#JustToMakeYouLaughToday
Is my carry on stretching the limits?
Doctor: You can’t drink while on these meds.
Me: Wanna bet?
I’ve adopted an elephant virtually. The elephant itself is actually.
Didn’t find a dead body on my hike again today this is starting to get frustrating.
My daughter said, “You’re the best mommy ever!”
I’m really proud that she’s learning sarcasm at such a young age.
I eat oatmeal in the morning to help my cholesterol. I eat cheese for the rest of the day because I ate oatmeal in the morning.
“You’re bleeding because you don’t floss”
Me: No, I’m bleeding because I ate the entire bowl of deceivingly fake fruit in your waiting room.
PROFESSORR: So, Attilla’s rise had a lot of unintended consequences.
ME: *Raises hand*
PROFESSOR: Yes, Andrew?
ME: Hunintended.
PROFESSOR:
ME:
PROFESSOR: Thank you, Andrew.
Me: This “Fear the Walking Dead” show is really creepy.
Wife: This is the Video Music Awards.
ME: [knocks on ambulance window]
PARAMEDIC: Can I help you?
ME: Are you carrying a patient?
PARAMEDIC: Not at the moment.
ME: Mind if I nap on the stretcher?
I’d change my name to laundry if it meant you’d think about doing me every day.
Living with downstairs neighbors.. 😅
*presses lips against mic*
I wished I sanitized this first
My wife reads two books a week and I just told my son that an idiom is a group of idiots.
Dog: can i eat this?
Me: no i was just-
Dog: [swallowing] thanks
Arachnophobia is stupid I mean why are we all terrified of a bug that knits all day?
Him: Can I have your number?
Me: *looks up from texting
I don’t have a phone.
Every other type of doctor’s office practically has their own app, meanwhile MRI centers are like “It’s 1998 in here, enjoy your CD”
Millennial: OMG, you don’t even know how to make a gif? That’s so tragic to me right now. Can you at least make a meme?
Me: I own a house.
If I win the lottery I’m gonna run political style ads about my neighbor
JERRY THINKS IT’S OK TO PARK A CAR ON THE GRASS AND HE DRINKS CHEAP BEER FROM A SHOE
I wonder if tap dancers walk into a room, look at the floor and think, “I’d tap that.”
I bet you 5390.24$ you can’t guess how much money I owe my parents.
Why do u wanna work at Burger King?
*imagines killing the Burger King & taking my rightful place as king*
“I haven’t taken my meds in weeks”
If we spell Jeff as Geoff then why not
– Geosh
– Georemy
– Geonathan
– Geonnifer
– Geacob
– Jreg
Cinderella is my favorite story about choosing a spouse based on shoe size.
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
Applicant: I pride myself on my honesty, integrity, and being a decent human being.
Car sales manager: I’m sorry but you’re over qualified