You can buy my cassette series “Yelling : Greatest Hits”
Including classics such as:
– Hey!
– What the Hell?
– What the heck? (Radio edit)
– Oh come on!And the chart topping hit:
– Yo…hey yo! Over here! No, over here to your left!
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Never know who you’ll run into at the gas station!
customer: i’ll have the barbecue chicken thighs
me: i’ll bring you the barbecue, but there’s no need for hurtful nicknames
Bobcat Escapes National Zoo #WhatDoYouThink?
Ever worry that spiders have 8 slippers to slap you with?
If you are hospitalized for social anxiety you don’t go to the psych ward. You go to the awk ward.
For Halloween I’m just going to put these on and lay down under a house.
My sister on holiday with the kids, they had a few cute ‘towel animals’ left on the bed during the week but just came back to this
True friends show up during the middle of a bad date, dressed like a police officer and pretend to arrest you for murdering 7 other guys after the first date.
The brat next door is outside banging on a metal bucket in his front yard …..guess it’s about that time to go mow my gravel driveway.
i’m cautious about following people back these days because i follow when they look normal and next week they’re banging horses
I finally got to my parents house after a 7 hour drive. It’s 1am. why is my sisters cat watching Pawn Stars?
if u hear ur roommate using ur beard trimmer in the bathroom but they come out and look exactly the same u should buy a new beard trimmer
Pretty sure the guy infront of me at McDonald’s ordered the rest of the food.
I feel like people are in such a hurry these days, that there isn’t enough moseying happening anymore. Dont even get me started on sauntering and lollygagging.
Judge: Have you any words before I pronounce sentence?
Me: Yes. Could you also pronounce Worcestershire?
I didn’t believe in miracles until I folded the laundry this morning and all the socks had a match.
Me: *finishes my dope hula hoop routine
Judge: Still guilty.
“Look guys! No hands!”
-captain of the Titanic
I hate when I go to review a podcast and someone before me said “wow, this pod makes my daily 6 mile run fly by!” and I’m like cool it also makes eating this giant bag of cheese balls fly by.
An escape room, but it’s a bean bag chair in a hammock on a water bed in a bouncy house and you’re over 40. Good luck!
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest strength?”
*45 minutes later*
Me: “I’m very comfortable with silence.”
SOON I WILL DESTROY ALL OF YOUR HEROES AND TAKE MY PLACE AS YOUR WORLD LEADER BUT FIRST WHAT IS YOUR MOM’S CASSEROLE RECIPE IT IS DELIGHTFUL
I don’t use dating sites, I meet girls the old fashioned way: never
A thread of some SAVAGE/DEEPEST REPLIES in “Black Panther”
1.
Yesterday, myself, Miss 9 and husband were sat on a train in and around a man with a book entitled Surrounded by Idiots.
I know I hate you but if you died suddenly … I mean I’d still hate you but I’d be a little more cheery.
i haven’t seen a squirrel outside lately and now all of the sudden taco bell selling wings.. something ain’t right
I don’t know who needs to hear this but you’re not a savage, you’re an idiot.
A shout out to all those who remember the keys of the house only after shutting the door.