Afghanistan is just a regular ghanistan that’s ghanistan af.
You Might Also Like
I like to relax by sampling different types of cheese while people watching.
Walmart clerk: ma’am, put down the block of cheese and get out of the display
Joker: You’re endangering a minor
Batman: He’s my partner
Joker: Why’s he in his underwear?
Batman: So we match. Look, this isn’t about me.
If we meet in a social situation I’ll typically take over the conversation, do a tight five or ten minutes then clam up for the rest of the evening. That’s all I got. The next two hours is on you.
Me *at my office*: “Do you need someplace to put that out?”
Client: “I’m not smoking.”
Me: “No, I meant your kid.”
Good marriage requires communication: My wife tells me I’m wrong, and I tell her she’s right.
son: why is my name jesus
dad: mom wanted to name u after a rolemodel
other son: &me?
dad: well Charizard the same reason but it was my turn
I don’t understand how i’m getting oreo crumbs in the bed if im swallowing them whole
Forget drugs and sex.
Parents please talk to your kids about their grammar and spelling.
Dentist: You don’t have to floss all your teeth. Only the ones you wanna keep!
*I start flossing his teeth*
D: Um…
Me: These are mine now
People who say “in and of itself” are responsible for most of the trouble in the world.
🤣🤣🤣
One time I microwaved my lunch at work and my coworker said “That smells spicy! What is that–is that salt?” And when I was speechless she followed up with “Is it pepper?”
Sitting in my backyard is just yelling over the fence at the neighbor kids letting them know my son isn’t home yet.
I don’t want just any tamale. I want a goddamn tamale.
How bold of you to assume I care, I tell my aloe plant who’s wife just cheated on him (allegedly).
Cop: you’re going to prison for forgery
Me *slides him a 37 dollar bill* what about now
Not to brag about my wealth but a well-known billionaire has recently been begging me for “5, 10…even 25 dollars”.
*being mugged*
me: “im warning you, i know karate”
mugger made out of thin, stationary blocks of wood: “oh shit”
One day, when my kids are grown with their own homes, I’ll come over, grind food into all of their keyboards and lie about it.
“NOAH. YOU WILL BUILD AN ARK”
k
“NOT “K” THIS IS IMPORTANT”
Sorry
“THATS OK. TAKE 2 OF EVERY ANIMAL ON IT”
Even fish?
*THUNDER*
“NO NOT FISH
My 8yo’s looking for a summer job. He’s a pretty decent bartender if anyone’s hiring.
Dear makers of Axe 3-in-1 shampoo, conditioner & body wash, I have no desire to buy your crap. I’m holding out until it’s also a car wax.
Genius idea!!
[1st date]
Him: We share perfect chemistry!
Me: *but all I hear is the word “share” as I create a fortress around my nachos with my hands*
REALTOR: This community has a great neighborhood watch
WIFE: [sees me suddenly excited] Don’t you dare
ME: WHO DECIDES WHO GETS TO WEAR IT
Him: Do that thing I hate
Me: Tries to answer his hypothetical questions
*wife shakes me awake in the middle of the night*
me: w-what happened
wife: you were talking in your sleep. kept muttering goth this and goth that
me: like what, specifically
wife: like death is goth life and blackberries are goth raspberries
me:[taking notes] oh these are good
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: first name?
ME: Mike
I: last?
M: Arbrokedown
I: Mike Arbrokedown?
M: no problem let’s use mine
I: *crumples test*
Never trust a woman sucking a candycane into a sword.
then my mum calls to ask why I’m not attending a family dinner; she says where is the glue
me: glue?
her: the glue you have been sniffing