Joseph: we have to walk to bethlehem for a census thing
Mary, 9 months pregnant: i’m sorry what
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There are two types of people in this world:
1)People who tried to move an object with their mind at least once
2)Liars
You can just start calling yourself an olympic hopeful. You don’t have to fill out a form or anything.
I make a lot of jokes about my husband and they’re all true, but sometimes I forget to mention how lucky he is with me as a wife.
Today I burned spinach.
[firing squad]
Captain: Any last words?
Prisoner: Why, yes. I’d like to speak with you for a moment about gun control.
t-shirt: Lay flat to dry
me: I can’t do laundry lying down
Leaving the Barbers like
“Grammies” is a shortening of “gramophones.” Now that most people listen to music on their smartphones, the awards should probably be called (and I love this) “Phonies.”
going to the gym to throw donuts at all the skinny people
Her: We’re having twins!
Me: WHO IS THE OTHER FATHER?!?!!
Probably the slowest way to die is sloth with a knife.
April Fool’s Day pregnancy jokes stopped being fun when my parents started getting excited instead of scared.
My tiny pocket in my jeans is actually to put my annual salary
My son feels about broccoli the way I feel about having to make a phone call.
They’re testing the tornado sirens here just to remind us that Mother Nature is not a one trick pony.
If someone says, “I hate to ask you this, BUT…” you should have 4 designated friends who will jump on you & carry you out of the building like secret service agents.
Perhaps you could be persuaded to look the other way, Officer.
After spending 20 minutes trying to get my girlfriends bra off, I decided to give up.
I wish I’d never put it on in the first place..
I just tripped and stumbled into a group of asian kids on the street and accidentally won a breakdancing competition.
ME: [backing into driveway]
WIFE: Where’s the car?
The Sun
[Command Center]
*opens map*
*traces route*
*marks intercept point*
*drives*
*waits*
*target arrives
*tackles*Liquor Delivery Guy: Again?
GOOGLE USER: What are symptoms of skin cancer
GOOGLE: 20% off best skin cancer now
[dog park]
Go get it, boy!*dog returns with silver watch, silver bracelet & silver necklace*
Ugh, you’re the worst golden retriever ever
[In England]
Hey, you look like you could lose a few pounds
*steals your wallet*
Him: sometimes I think you just don’t care
Me: [hands in the air] why would you think that
Him: I know your secret
Me:*nervously sweating, remembering my Netflix history* Yeah?
H: You killed someone
M: *relieved* Oh, haha. Yep
[in front of fire]
DATE: I’m still kinda cold *she looks at my jacket*
ME: Oh! Yeah *I take off jacket & throw it in fire* That oughta do it
*exorcism*
DEMON: *roars*
PRIEST: we must restrain him!
WIFE: *opens drawer* here! *tosses fuzzy pink handcuffs*
PRIEST: …
DEMON: hey now
“Make him press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“He still there?”
“Give him 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
Some church people knocked on my door and said they wanted to tell me about the afterlife. I told them I’m trying to avoid any spoilers.