Me: I think we should take the next step. I want you to meet my parents
Her: now that we’ve been married for eleven years?
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Personal trainer: How’s your diet been going?
Me: Absolutely amazing
Personal trainer: May I ask what you’ve been eating?
Me: You may not
“Can’t beat fresh apple pie” she says, setting 1 down. I slam my fist into it. 3rd degree burns. “Wrong” I whisper 4 hrs later in the ER.
Husband: Can you ever be serious?
Me *using candy corn as fangs* Yeth.
me and who
Shout out to people who text you and apparently throw their phone into a river as soon as they hit send?
Watching my kids inspecting the French dips I made like I’m about to defend a dissertation
Them: and what is this?
Me: that is ..(checks notes).. Provolone cheese, ma’am
Them: hmmmmm….
Told my 4 yo that his hamster died and that was in heaven with God. 4yo: Why would God want a dead hamster?
Next time you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks, assert dominance by saying come in
Me: Who called you guys “Samsung security personnel” instead of “Guardians of the Galaxy?”
Raccoons (that I dressed as security guards): *bite me*
butterfly in the sky, i can go twice as high?? You’re starting your song dissing a key pollinator? For what?
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
*walks up to salad bar and fills entire plate with bacon bits and chocolate pudding*
my wife opens my diary & her jaw drops as she reads page after page after page after page of bigfoot poetry
Airlines need to freakin’ make up their mind abt the temp of the plane once n for all.
1st flight was so freakin’ cold, I could see my soda freeze as I was drinking it n now the 2nd one is throwing so much hot air like I wanna lie naked rn!!!
#travelling
#AmericanAirlines
Her: Did you turn the iron off before you left? Over.
Me: *in a ship streaking through the endless vacuum of space* …Dammit. Over.
I would be okay with a ghost in the house if every time a bathroom mirror fogged up with steam, it slowly wrote out “DID YOU LOSE WEIGHT?”
I call my phone Lois because it doesn’t recognize me without my glasses
I bet all the cool math nerds call each other algebros.
[Kanye at pharmacy]
*knocking basket full of baby powder out of unsuspecting shopper’s hands*
No one man should have all that powder!
If you believe a food is 0 calories hard enough, it becomes true.
Follow me for more health advice
Can I still watch 300 if I haven’t seen the first 299
imagine if poop was transparent. I’d completely lose my shit
One man’s girlfriend is another man’s Twitter password.
[On a date]
Him: I love a woman with a sense of humor, I’m a sucker for a good pun.
Me: omg same. lol Jeremy if you were sliced up into little pieces and soaked in coffee liqueur and then layered between ladyfingers you’d be a jeramisu.
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: jeramisu
[interview]
BOSS: How many words can you type a minute?
ME: Probably all of them
BOSS: What do you mean?
ME: Well, like for example, pickle
Few people realize that before they were domesticated, the wild vacuum cleaner was the only natural predator of wolves…
Hence, dogs instinctive reaction to them today.
I watered my garden and then it rained so I’d like a refund please
Googles: what to do with 100 dyed hard boiled eggs
Google: do you have any enemies?
DIRTY HARRY [points gun] Go ahead make my day
*I take him to the zoo & then the park, we have ice cream*
DH: well this has been wonderful
Marriage is for people who want their break ups to involve paperwork.