Wow, so it’s true… Toddlers in Tiaras is the prequel to 16 and Pregnant which is the Prequel to Intervention
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Accurate description of my life right now. My fitness instructor asked me,what type of squat are you accustom to doing?
I said ‘diddly’
Go ahead and share your political views at this office party. We’re all friends here.
– alcohol
Hear me out – fortune hotdogs
I started this new workout that helps protect my abs and obliques by rubbing grilled cheese sandwiches on them from the inside then my body puts a protective layer around them on the outside.
If she’s interested in you she will reply
If she isn’t, she won’t
Unless she’s thinking about it then who knows how long it could take
For a final ironic twist, I’ve left instructions to bury me in activewear.
[Lounging in hot tub]
Paul the Plum: “I’m starting to shrivel up like a…”
Pete the Prune: “Oh just say it, Paul. Like a what?!”
*paints car camouflage*
*stops making payments*
Top Seven Cereal Brands with Sexual Innuendo:
6. Lucky Charms
5. Cream of Wheat
4. Grape Nuts
3. Trix
2. Honey Smacks
1. Nut ‘n Honey
When someone tells me they’re sick I try to make them feel better with a story about my own sickness that was much worse and many years ago.
Judas has been acting weird the last few days.
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.
“We survived WW2 we can get through Brexit!”
“Gareth you are 41 and have never even gone paintballing what the absolute shit are you talking about”
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
#HatDadJoke
“Open your gift”
A ‘non-stick’ frying pan?
“You don’t like it?”
Non-stick? [smashes rest of gifts] YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVE STICKS BRENDA
Wonder Woman: we need more warriors, have you sent in the reinforcements yet?
Amazon Customer Service: …what
There’s no gangsta way to say “Oopsie Daisy.” I know that now.
I have entirely too many new bruises for someone who isn’t getting laid
Cop: “We’ll catch the guy who murdered your husband.”
Tina: “My husband was murdered?!”
Cop: “Shit! Sorry… I have some bad news…”
We’ve all been there…
I think the lady at the movies is “shushing” me, but I can’t tell because I’m eating Doritos.
A truck loaded with Vicks VapoRub overturned on the interstate. Police report there is no congestion in the area.
Do dolphins have tattoos of single mothers on their arses?
me: god grant me the serenity
god: no ❤️
Cashier: Can I see some ID?
Me *Points to my 13yo son*
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
I got excited when my son joined the cross-country team. But then I learned they don’t cross the country and are back home in a few hours.
I love when kids say moo cow cause what other kinds of cows are there besides mooing ones?
Me: I’ll take $2,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $2,000.