My nana sleeps about four hours a night. That’s four whole hours I can use her wig to train my owl.
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{swallowed by a whale}
Me: gross. It’s so-
Whale: don’t you say it
Me: MOIST. I said it’s MOIST in YOUR MOUTH!!!
Whale: *throws me up*
Me: it’s bed time!
My kids: PARKOUR!
Me: Empty the dishwasher, please.
10 y/o: Can’t…need to work on my business idea.
Me: What’s your business idea?
10y/o: I’m gonna charge anyone who pets our dog.
Me:
10y/o:
Me: Do you need a partner, and how much we chargin?
In the seconds before I die, I hope I’m allowed to correct someone’s grammar.
If your pee smells like burnt toast it’s time to get some new pee.
america famously invented speed limits during the cold war, back when they didn’t trust anyone that was rushin’
Told my 11 and 8 next time I take their electronics away I’d also be responding to all texts they receive.They’ve been well behaved since.
Medusa: ok so I’ve decided I want bangs
hair stylist: *visibly pales
Me: I’ll have the chicken
Waiter: and how would you like the chicken prepared
Me: I dunno… maybe just tell it about the circle of life and how nothing lives forever
Me: Ah-chooo!
CW: Allergy season! Is there something in here irritating you?
Me: Everyday.
The person with duct tape holding most of their car together always has the right-of-way.
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
When a cop gives you a ticket for speeding he won’t be impressed when you tell him “I do this all the time.”
I know this now.
Donald Trump said he thinks we made the right decision to leave the EU. This confirms that we absolutely did not make the right decision.
[to a mushroom] ok, pretty cute. but let’s see you without the hat
*sets the mood with candlelight, flowers and the pepto bismol jingle
me: [hiring a hitman] now how can we make my songs better
If this paper cut is any indication of my pain threshold, then child birth would definitely kill me.
I think this was a scene from “The Birds”
Remember kids, the Toys R Us bankruptcy and liquidation teaches us that poor spelling and grammar will always catch up with you eventually.
“How cute. You have smile lines”
Me: those are from clenching my jaw
No one in movies or TV shows ever properly freak out when they see someone eat sauce off a wooden spoon then put the spoon that they just licked back in the sauce.
The cats activated the rainbow portal again
[Hardware store]
ME: I’ll take one of those giant forks.
WORKER: That’s a rake.
ME: I’m gonna eat so much spaghetti with that thing.
My superpower is destroying the neighbors living room from 100 yards with nothing but her cat and my laser pointer.
I took my dog to see “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it. Which surprised me because he hated the book…
When a yoga class gets too challenging, I like to make up my own poses. So far I have Injured Cobra, Distrustful Dog, Wet Cat, Chalk Body Outline, and Drunk White Girl.
Cop: “You have one call – make it important!”
*phone*
Me: “I’ve been arrested for making prank calls.”
Man: “Who is this?”
Me: “Hugh Jass.”
[kid watching an episode of The Flintstones for the first time]
“They made a show based on vitamins? This is dumb.”
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they are not.