Essential oils? You mean WD40?
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(me, five months after an argument with my boyfriend)
And another thing!
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
Niece: found these handcuffs in your drawer.
Me: yea I got arrested once
Niece: omg why
Me: for going through my aunt’s drawers.
WATSON: Here’s the weird thing. There’s only one set of footprints.
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe and squints]: That means God was carrying the suspect.
Him: Do you swallow?
Me: Every time I chew.
20s: I’m on top of the world!
50s: stop the world I want to get off!
Good grief, did you see that, Hans? A time traveller just appeared, shot Adolf and left again. I mean I know his paintings are shit but WTF
Walking into WalMart with my kids, “Remember, kids – use your Target voices.”
Restless leg syndrome does not give you the right to swiftly kick people whenever you feel like it. I know that now.. 😆
DR DOG: *applying a cast to a broken bone* Are you sure you don’t just want me to cut it off?
Never argue with someone who knows fancier words than you. Like ‘responsibility’
me, to my kid: you have a job- you eat breakfast, you get dressed, brush your hair and teeth and put on shoes
my kid: I hate my job. I wanna quit.
50% of raising kids is begging them to use their words.
50% is begging them to be quiet.
Day 302 of my husband and I both working from home:
Me: *tapes note to microwave reminding coworkers to PLEASE CLEAN UP SPILLS THIS MICROWAVE IS FOR THE WHOLE OFFICE
I woke up to my wife fluttering her eyelashes at me.
I said, “Ok, what do you want?”
She said, “I want you to turn the ceiling fan down.”
My mother, who has never drank or done any drug, is in Amsterdam. So, watch out, Netherlands, someone’s about to respectfully tour the crap out of your windmills.
At a business meeting:
“How about SuperCupid?”
“No, expectations will be too high”
“GreatCupid?”
“Lower”
“Uhhh, OKCupid?”
“Brilliant”
Before kids: “I will make everything from scratch. We’ll be so healthy.”
After kids: “Someone bring me my binder of takeout menus.”
It’s summer. We’re young. Let’s sneak into someone else’s pool and skinnydip. If we get caught, we stab them and assume their identities.
[Putting on a fitted sheet]
Me: Dammit this is the short side.
Me: This is somehow also the short side.
me: [listening to the same song 10 times in a row] you know what would be even better? 11 times
“I’m scared of thunder and vacuums but this beehive full of killer bees looks delicious.”
– Dogs
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
Job interviewer: Where would you like to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
Her: You need to multitask better
Me: I’m learning to kill 2 birds with 1 stone
Her: That’s goo-
Me [surrounded by dead birds]: And I refuse to work on anything else
If by cat person you mean I like to sleep all day and poo in sand then yes I am a cat person.
I got so excited about my new pill box that now Alexa won’t stop suggesting assisted living facilities.
Me: You can be anything you want when you grow up
Son: I want to be a dinosaur
Me: I meant like a job. Like you could be president.
Son: I want to be the first dinosaur president
what’s a not gay way of asking your bro to pose shirtless for a pic that you’ll silkscreen on a body pillow?