What if the Government invented cheese to distract us from reality?
*gets arrested*
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“My fellow Americans-”
Barack
“we are working tirelessly-”
Sir
“to make sure-”
Barack. You’re still wearing ur xbox headset
WIFE: What’re the kids doing?
ME: Playing lawn darts.
W: Is it safe?
M: Hope not.
W:
M:
W: Wtf
M: Can’t afford to send both to college, Jen
Mickey wouldn’t last 2 min in a Tom & Jerry episode
surgeon 1: open mike night tonight
surgeon 2: hope you don’t bomb like last time
surgeon 1: haha
surgeon 2: haha
Mike: what
BREAKING: FBI discovers that Hillary’s 30,000 deleted emails were all Facebook notifications from Biden tagging her on cat videos.
My 9: what language does toast speak?
French toast.
when you can’t remember if your friend’s birthday is yesterday or today
Living check to check is fine til you go from “Think I’ll treat myself to a $7 latte” to “Which kid do I sell to pay for these car repairs.”
Whoever called it rush hour should not be allowed to name anything else.
Kids don’t scare me cause their little arms aren’t strong enough to swing a chainsaw.
It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a castle surrounded by a mote filled with 7-11 nacho cheese
Venus Williams should marry Bruno Mars and become Venus Mars.
me: hit that tree with your fist
hitman: that’s not what i do
me: hundred bucks
hitman: no
me: will you punch a house
“Your cute”
“My cute what?”
I hate it when my wife wakes me up at the crack of dawn just to tell me my alarm woke her up.
I just feel like you shouldn’t be using a selfie stick unless you’re a T-Rex.
911 what’s your emergency?
Me: My GF keeps pointing a flashlight at me
911: How is that an emergency?
Me: It’s attached to her gun
Cobra & Mongoose. He’s a cobra… she’s a mongoose. They say opposites attract but can two unlikely partners find love? No. Oh jeeezus, don’t look.
ME: *singing* ’cause we are living in an ethereal world and I am an ethereal girl you know that we are
ST PETER: *pulling trapdoor lever* Nope
Me: hold on are you—
roommate who just painted a Bansky on our kitchen wall:
Me:—Bob Ross?
If only the door of my car had a warning light for when it was getting low on takeout napkins.
[first day as a 911 operator]
guy: send help oh god the building is collapsing!
me: you’re kinda stressing me out tbh
Wife: I just wanted our honeymoon to be special.
Me holding 2 Nintendo64 controllers: Me too, but you need to hurry and pick a character.
me: do you take walk-ins
dude at the crematorium: what
I decided to clean my closet and found a tangled necklace so i spent the next 30min untangling it and then took a well deserved 2hr break
Possibly the finest painting I’ve ever done. My wife says it’s a mantlepiece!
When a couple pause their relationship & take a break from each other it’s called an ihatus.
adulthood means having ice cream for dinner and regret for dessert
CLEVELAND: We want a championship.
DEVIL: ok, but you’ll have to host the Republicans.
CLE: …Fine.
DEVIL: Trump’s the guy.
CLE: We want 2.
*someone pays me a compliment*
Whoa, wait are you the cops